Sometimes I wonder if I expect others who are important in my life, to have the same standards I set myself. To think with the same depth as myself and to be honest. I do allow people to mess up and I do forgive them. I know I mess up too. But I struggle with it being repeated harm, in particular dishonesty, lies etc.
But, I have also worked really hard on not being someone who has toxic people in my life, as has happened already so much throughout my life. I know that not allowing myself to be mistreated now, is my responsibility. I know I’ve ignored so many red flags repeatedly in the past and stayed within relationships and situations far longer than was healthy. And with really harmful results.
I’m really confused, sad, emotional and I know I don’t think clearly when like this. But, I can’t stop this nagging feeling that I am too hard on people. And I’ve been told I’m too hard on myself, so maybe I expect too much from others too.
Or maybe I’m not, and grown adults should be trustworthy and to just stay away from those who prove they aren’t. Because if I don’t, I’m just simply repeating previous life situations, where I got really hurt.
September 24, 2015 at 10:51 pm
I so relate to what you are saying.
I pray peace truly infiltrates your soul. Not because of anything I say or pray…because God promises us we can have inner peace from Him (John 14:27).
September 25, 2015 at 4:13 pm
Thank you, I really appreciate your message.
I’m glad if anything I write, others relate to. Not because I’m glad of anything horrible/upsetting occurring at all, but just to know others are going through similar and understand. And I’m thankful I don’t feel alone, when others say they relate.
It’s not easy when you are someone who thinks a lot about everything and questions everything, including yourself. But, I do know it’s the only way to grow and heal.
September 29, 2015 at 5:07 am
I am sorry I just saw this message – It means a lot to me. I understand how you think about everything, especially [my]self (for me). I totally have done just what my name states – I am reconstructing my life… I am just beginning my journey – however, I am very observant and understand people, and as I can see from your writings on your blog, you do also. Not just what they “maskingfully show” others, but their motivations they try to hide.
I go see my counselor again today (once a week for about 5.5 months now) and I am going to try to express emotions – I have made the plan through prayers and questioning of self and with her assistance to make a “plan” so the emotions I have blocked for well over 5 months now – tears and anger. I am a little scared but anticipating the relief of the angst that is so deep within.
Anyway – I am rambling – I just wanted to say thank you for your words and your willingness to share your journey with others. Be blessed in all you do this week. Finally the comment on “but just to know others are going through similar and understand..” yes to that comment – I do not want others to have suffered as I have – still – to know I am not alone in this world and not “crazy” in how I think, feel (or don’t feel) – so from one hurting lonely soul to another – I pray you can rest in God in all you do — and whatever healing you need at this moment (as simple as resting when life seems too chaotic to handle) – I know you have grown a lot just from reading your blog – I also know humans are fallible and struggle – I pray for today you are able to just REST in God’s grace NO matter WHAT! (hugs) and be blessed.
September 29, 2015 at 7:27 am
Thank you for your message and please know, you can express whatever you need to express here and it will never be considered by me to be rambling. I am thankful you feel able to express yourself here ❤
Thank you for your prayers and please know I pray for those who want prayer too.
Being someone who sees past the masks others present, sees the motivations behind people's actions and behaviours, does not make for an easy life. But, I do consider this capacity a gift and one I try to not have anxiety and fear about. But, that is an ongoing process for me, as I know it is for others with this deeper capacity.