Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Total confusion, anxiety, freakin’ hives… The issue of church.

After writing a post about how I do not want to go to church, due to the levels of unhealthy and harmful BS spouted by too many…. now I am considering it. *Shakes head in disbelief.

Why? Because my 13 year old has asked me (again) when are we going to church, and how he wants to go to a youth group.

This is obviously an issue I really need to deal with, as several things have come up in the last week, about this very topic I would much rather avoid. I know I would rather not have to face this dilemma. If I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t be facing this dilemma. Oh how much easier that would be….

My confusion now, is the deep need I have to protect my children, and also the understanding that maybe my son needs a church community and a hopefully safe youth group. Whichever decision I make, I could be doing the wrong thing. And doing the wrong thing by my children, and them getting hurt, is not a situation I consider lightly.

In fact, it scares the shit out of me. But tackle this issue I must, because Continue reading


Uninformed advice about Complex Trauma, is dangerous.


I frequently see both EMDR and meditation, hailed as the answer to all who have endured trauma. This simply means they are uneducated about complex trauma.

EMDR can be good for PTSD sufferers. But, it is often not suitable for complex trauma survivors. It was not even designed for complex trauma survivors. It is more suitable to one time, short lived trauma survivors where the trauma occurred as an adult.

EMDR, is also not suitable for those with chronic dissociation.

And I know of many who have been offered EMDR, without the correct knowledge about complex trauma and it has in fact, made their mental health worse and symptoms worsen.

Meditation, is another strategy I know is not considered suitable for many with chronic dissociation and dissociative disorders.

Yet, I continually see people, including professionals and mental health organisations promoting EMDR for all trauma survivors, with PTSD issues.

There are significant differences between chronic severe trauma and one time short lived trauma. Continue reading

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Still receiving messages about people wanting my Facebook page back.

I removed my Facebook page many months ago, for a few reasons.

I am still receiving messages about when it will be back and how people miss it. Which I understand and I know it did a lot of good, in terms of educating and validating complex trauma survivors. And quality info. But, due to poor Facebook rules, it also enabled a lot of very unhealthy, toxic behaviour too.

I’ve considered starting a closed Facebook group, which would promote greater safety and the capacity to remove people easily. Plus only those who are confirmed and accepted by me, would be able to see the info.

But, I remain decided not to do this, at this time.

I think if people truly want to see my work, they will choose to Continue reading


Find a church….. yeah…. not easy.

My hairdresser is a church goer. She’s a nice enough woman. Each time I attend my hair appointments, she asks me whether I am attending a church now. Each time, I say no. She is aware of the abuse I have endured at a toxic church. In her mind though, I am not a good enough Christian, if I don’t attend church. There is always that attitude – that I ‘should’ be in a church. And no matter how I approach that conversation – it is not ‘good enough’, that I don’t.

It is simply a case of stage 3 faith progression and no awareness of that. You don’t have attend church, to be a Christian. Many spiritually progressed Christians, don’t attend church.

I actually would like to be a part of a church community. I would like to know other Christians. But, I am unwilling to compromise my beliefs, or subject my children to abusive/unsafe/unhealthy/toxic doctrine/environments.

My list of what I will not compromise on are…

  1. They need to not be welcoming child sex offender/paedophiles. I am unapologetic in my belief that they are not to be trusted, and secure in my desire to keep my children safe from sexual abuse.
  2. Has strict child protection strategies in place for youth groups, children’s ministry.
  3. LGBTIQ welcoming. And not only welcoming, but accepting in every sense. No attitudes it is sin. I do not want my children subjected to any views contrary to this.
  4. Not fundamentalist, or right wing/conservative. As I see so much unhealthy, cognitively distorted thinking, I choose to avoid and not subject my children to.
  5. Not enabling/encouraging child abuse in the form of physical discipline. Which I know is abuse and is domestic violence.
  6. Don’t victimise victims further with more abuse – pushing forgiveness, reconciliation etc with abusive people and shaming the victims – as the ‘bad’ people, if they don’t.
  7. Must understand 1st Century Biblical context.
  8. Must be led by spiritually progressed leaders, who are not stuck at stage 3 in faith progression.

Continue reading


That moment when you realise you are simply narcissistic supply.

narc supply

I’ve realised something about narcissistic people. They often are the ones living their life out on facebook, constantly posting several times a day, constantly seeking validation and approval of their lives. They often have a lot of FB ‘friends’, but very few real friendships. It’s not just about selfies, it is the constant seeking of approval of who they are, from anyone who will feed that to them. And you are made to feel obliged to participate in their ego fest on Facebook.

To the narcissistic person, other people only serve one purpose – attention, validation of their existence, feed the ego, listen to and be there for all their problems, but they actually don’t care about anyone else. They will pay lip service to other people’s issues, but nothing more. They will talk for hours about their own problems, and you are expected to talk for hours about their problems. But they will be bored and uninterested when you speak about your problems.

They are emotional vampires. Feeding on others. Giving nothing back.

Continue reading

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My sleeping…. shit this last few weeks.


I’m doing everything I should be. Self care. Boundaries. Less time on the internet. Upped my exercise. Eating better. Socialising with calm, mature people. Gardening. Yoga.

Should be working well you would think…

Nope…….. my sleeping, is shit. My mood is low, often.

Two nights this week, with less than 2 hours sleep. Other nights I do sleep, I’m having bizarre trauma related dreams. It’s truly shit.

I know why. And I know I’m avoiding it. I’m avoiding dealing Continue reading


Asked to facilitate the Twitter PTSD Chat. About loss, grieving and mourning.

Until now, I was unable to participate in the online PTSD Chat on Twitter, due to volunteering commitments. That has changed days, so now I am free.

I’ve been asked before to help facilitate it and today being my first free day to participate, it coincides with a day the chat facilitator felt emotionally unable to do it. So, she mentioned how that worked out well and asked me take over and facilitate. Which I did.

It was pretty full on and I had to try and make sure I was liking all comments, and I posted some info to maybe help some of those participating. It was a bit stressful due to how fast many people were posting, but I think I did okay.

It was good to see many comments and the different ways people cope and different strategies used. I posted comments to remind people everyone grieves loss in different ways, each journey is different, different things work for different people etc. Continue reading


No-one has a right to tell me how to feel about my mother.

It has been the most painful part of my journey, to know my mother was involved, complicit in the grooming of myself and my siblings – to be sexually abused by my mother & step fathers circle of vile friends.

I know I will never get over this. And I know this is reality, because I know psychologically, you do not ever ‘get over’ this level of trauma, pain and suffering. You learn to deal with it and manage emotions etc. But, you never get over it. You grieve all your life.

Yes, there are many reasons why my mother may have become the person she is, but they are never excuses to do all she did.

I don’t rationalise abuse and abusive people, to make myself feel better. I have too much integrity to honesty, rational thinking and reality, to rationalise, as a self soothing, coping strategy.

And this BS people spout of bad people doing good sometimes. Sorry, but that does wash with me. Keeping me and my siblings in a home where abuse was continually occurring, knowing what her husband was. Continuing friendships with abusive people – is continual abuse, every second, of every day.

I am aware I am still conflicted with emotions and feelings I have had my entire life, caused by the deep and severe abuse, my mother made choices to inflict.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not raise my siblings well enough.

I still feel deep down, their issues are because I wasn’t a good enough mother to them.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not protect them and save them from the abuse.

And I know rationally, all this was never my responsibility and these feelings of guilt and shame are not mine to feel. But, I do. These feelings don’t just go away, because you realise they were never yours to feel. It’s like they are etched into my soul and I can’t make them go away. Continue reading

Accountablity breeds & encourages responsibility.

I see a lot of failure to take responsibility and refusing accountability in society. There are a lot of excuses made for people’s harmful actions. By themselves and by others. A lot of excuses made about abusive people. A lot of rationalisation, victim shaming, victim blaming.

Personal responsibility for own actions, is needed and I know to teach my sons this. It will help them become honest, responsible adults.

Often those who say personal responsibility is needed, are deemed judgmental. Well, that is just irrational thinking in itself.

It is actually more compassionate towards the person who is avoiding personal responsibility, to not indulge them, or make excuses and more compassion towards those harmed/affected.



personal responsibility 2

 personal responsibility 3