I have come to realise, I have expected my counsellor to be ‘perfect’, and for many reasons. I don’t do this with other people, but I have with my counsellor because the therapy relationship, is challenging and different to all other relationships. I have to talk to her about trauma and abuse and all that yucky stuff.
I also realise this is really unhealthy. Not in a malicious or intentional way, but entirely about my own needs, none-the-less.
How can I expect anyone to be perfect? I’m not. And I don’t expect other people to be perfect, although I do have standards people need to meet, which is healthy. But ‘perfect’ and expecting that from a therapist – even subconsciously, no that is not healthy.
I am also aware my counsellor is upfront about being a ‘non perfect’ human. And she is aware of my reasons for my ‘need’ for her to be perfect.
I spoke with her about this today, in my very upfront, honest way I always try to be.
I also asked her whether she does this ‘stuff’ that upsets me intentionally…. because she knows I will work it out, because I think deeply and will be honest about myself and not make excuses for my issues. And when I come to understand them and reflect on them, I am honest about them.
My counsellor stated she does not do this consciously intentionally, but maybe subconsciously and she always tries to be human and is aware how imperfect she is, including as a counsellor. I took note of the humility.
I approached this conversation in a good humour way, and joked about how if she is doing this intentionally so I will learn/grow, then how sneaky and covert this is, but well played. Because it works. We laughed about this, which was good. We also giggled about a few other things, humour that is amusing.
And we talked about things that other people do, where I had a right to expect certain behaviours and thoughtfulness from people, especially when about something serious like the death of a loved one. It is okay to feel hurt when people show how little they care and their lack of thoughtfulness. Especially when I think and care for them about less serious issues. We discussed how self absorbed many people can be – pretty much all the time, and how it is not a nice feeling to feel ‘used’ and have one way relationships/friendships. And how to manage those relationships, healthy boundaries which I have and not personalise their issues.
I also didn’t make excuses for the things that have been said that have been hurtful by her. And she was okay with that too. I just accept she is not perfect and is going to mess up. But, I wouldn’t keep going if I thought it was malicious. I do know it isn’t.
I am so aware that the hardest lessons we can learn in life, come with heartache, pain and only with a great deal of self reflection and self honesty.
And she knows, it may take me time to get there….. but I do.
Another good part of today’s counselling that was nice, was hearing her talk about how I interacted with my son last week and how healthy that all is. She knows I am committed to caring about all of my children’s needs – emotionally, psychologically, developmentally etc. I was pleased to hear her say, that shows and what a great little kid, my 6 year old is.