I will validate the deep strength and resilience, I have developed in my life.

The first 20 years of my life, were hell on earth and I don’t minimize that anymore. And the next 20, were filled with trauma and abuse too. I’ve had to face the depths of it all, to process it, as part of my healing. And it has been trauma in itself, to face it all, fully. It takes a lot of courage.

I realise the depths of my resilience, in never giving in to using illegal drugs, not allowing alcohol to become an issue that impacted my capacity to work and provide for myself. I’ve never ended up in prostitution, or dancing in seedy clubs etc. And all these were handed to me on a plate, and I refused them all. That takes courage.

I’ve never ended up being hospitalised for mental health. Despite having PTSD and Complex PTSD and depression all my life. I’ve had the resilience to manage it enough to stay functioning. And all with no help from anyone, no family help. That takes deep courage.

I’ve got up every single day to look after my children. That takes courage.

I sought help when I knew I could no longer manage it on my own and before it became so impacting and avoided being hospitalised. That takes courage.

Reminding myself, there is no point in expectation of someone who lacks capacity for empathy.

When dealing with a journey with so much abuse and trauma, it is normal and appropriate to want those closest to us, to care about what we have endured. And offer kind words, when we need them. When they don’t, it’s hurtful (again normal emotions) and perpetuates the lifelong issues, of those we love not having any compassion or empathy, when we truly needed them to.

So, when dealing with people who clearly lack empathy (even if they don’t realise it), it is helpful to remember, not to expect empathy from someone who lacks capacity for it. Some people are very limited in their ability to see other people’s pain, have any empathy and it is always healthier, to not expect anything from them. Some people can’t even offer sympathy. And some turn every conversation, into being about themselves.

Expectation, of emotionally/EQ limited people, is a futile and emotional waste of time. That can, if you allow it, cause a lot of hurt. Because, they truly do not care. For whatever reason.

“The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it.”

I love this quote.

There are many who do make others, feel their pain. And abuse people.

There are some who don’t. And they are the courageous and empathic souls, who know pain and suffering and don’t make others feel it too.

You can have empathy and a moral compass, despite what you have endured and abuse is never excusable.

Need a day alone, to rest and have self care.

I’m meant to be going to volunteering today and I’m not going. I’m not up to it. I can tell I need a day to not have to deal with people and just be by myself. As an empath, deep thinker and someone always subconsciously very vigilant, it can become overwhelming, to be around people.

I need to deal with ‘my’ stuff, and not other people’s. I know when I need self care and rest and I allow myself that. I’m going to get the kids to school, and then do some gardening and watch some TV gardening programs recorded.

Rest, relax, pray.

Wish I could erase my childhood & everyone who destroyed it, out of my mind.

Yesterday, I was really emotional for a few hours. About my mother. I truly wish I no longer had any emotions about her, or anyone from my childhood. I am really over thinking, dreaming, crying & feeling so many mixed emotions about them. All of them.

I realise it’s part of dealing with the horrendous reality of my childhood, and grieving which takes a long time. But, I just want to be over it, past it, and not have to think about any of my childhood, or any of the people who destroyed it.

They don’t deserve a single second of any further thought, or any tears, or for me to have to dream about them.

I wish I could erase my entire childhood and all emotions about it, out of my mind completely.

Honoured to be asked to review a book and sent a gift copy.

I have been invited to provide a review of a book about complex trauma and sent a gift copy.

I always feel very honoured when people value my input and my opinion on anything complex trauma related.