The first 20 years of my life, were hell on earth and I don’t minimize that anymore. And the next 20, were filled with trauma and abuse too. I’ve had to face the depths of it all, to process it, as part of my healing. And it has been trauma in itself, to face it all, fully. It takes a lot of courage.
I realise the depths of my resilience, in never giving in to using illegal drugs, not allowing alcohol to become an issue that impacted my capacity to work and provide for myself. I’ve never ended up in prostitution, or dancing in seedy clubs etc. And all these were handed to me on a plate, and I refused them all. That takes courage.
I’ve never ended up being hospitalised for mental health. Despite having PTSD and Complex PTSD and depression all my life. I’ve had the resilience to manage it enough to stay functioning. And all with no help from anyone, no family help. That takes deep courage.
I’ve got up every single day to look after my children. That takes courage.
I sought help when I knew I could no longer manage it on my own and before it became so impacting and avoided being hospitalised. That takes courage.
I realise the depths of courage and resilience I have needed.
I am not in any way criticising or judging anyone who has followed down these dangerous and understandable paths in maladaptive ways to deal with such inner pain. I know numbing that pain, becomes overwhelming. I’ve felt horrendous levels of pain and suffering, over prolonged and repeated periods of time. So, I am fully aware how it feels.
And I remind myself, I’ve remained a nice, compassionate, empathic person, who has not chosen to harm others the way I have been harmed.
So, I am simply validating this massive strength and inner courage for myself and others, with similar journeys.
Often, it is not validated. And it should not be an ‘off limits’ conversation, just so it doesn’t offend someone, because it is not something that should be offending anyone.
I would like the deeper courage it takes to have this added resilience and inner strength – recognised, validated and understood, for the bravery it takes to resist and make less dangerous choices, and the wisdom to seek help – whilst in considerable pain and dealing with such deep suffering.