Yesterday, I was really emotional for a few hours. About my mother. I truly wish I no longer had any emotions about her, or anyone from my childhood. I am really over thinking, dreaming, crying & feeling so many mixed emotions about them. All of them.
I realise it’s part of dealing with the horrendous reality of my childhood, and grieving which takes a long time. But, I just want to be over it, past it, and not have to think about any of my childhood, or any of the people who destroyed it.
They don’t deserve a single second of any further thought, or any tears, or for me to have to dream about them.
I wish I could erase my entire childhood and all emotions about it, out of my mind completely.
I’ve suffered enough.
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
October 15, 2015 at 6:49 am
I am so struggling with feeling motherless… Being born out of my fathering raping my mother, feeling unwanted, unloved, neglected and abused from conception …
As a mother to a daughter I can’t conceive ever treating my daughter like I was treated… I see how wrong my treatment was…but a part of me still wants a mother to hold me and love me …
October 15, 2015 at 6:57 am
I’m so sorry your childhood was not healthy Anita. I understand how you feel. The feelings of being neglected and unwanted, are painful.
I have so many different emotions and thoughts. I hold several different thoughts, plus all the relevant emotions that go with them, all at the same time.
I also have craved and needed a mother to hold me, all my life. I still do, but I accept that won’t happen. But, it’s okay to validate and have self compassion of the need we have within us, to still want a decent, caring, loving mother.
And validate the grieving that comes, with not having the mother we needed and deserved.
I’m overwhelmed at the moment, so shutting off my emotions. It happens when the emotions/pain get too much.
I’ll probably feel differently, in a few days.
❤
October 16, 2015 at 12:19 pm
I have been doing some research to find out why this woman, whom I called mom, treated me so rotten during my childhood. I knew she was a Narcissistic Mother, but never really looked into the hell she put me through as a ‘daughter of a NM’. I found out that I would never, ever be able to please her, no matter how I tried.
So not only hell and anguish from PTSD sexual abuse, now PTSD emotional abuse. No wonder she didn’t take care of me and showed no empathy, narcissists don’t and never will. Like beating a dead horse.
I have vicious migraines, and now researching is PTSD/anger/emotional abuse possibly one cause for these headaches? Interesting. Maybe all of these years of anguish have been caused by her wrath.
Thanks for posting this, sorry you had to experience this also in your childhood. Life’s a bitch. Hugs, Deb
October 17, 2015 at 1:10 pm
Highly narcissistic people, are very toxic to be around. They can be highly abusive on a continual basis and often manipulative way. It is okay to validate that. And that we did not deserve a mother/parent like that.
I have also learned the ‘never good enough’ came from my mother, that was her projection onto me. I was also the scapegoat and to blame for everything and anything that went wrong that was never my responsibility or blame. They like to project blame and abuse onto others. Which is sad.
But still a choice they make. Their mental health issues, do not render them incapable of making better choices.
It is indeed, like flogging a dead horse, to expect anything different from narcissistic people. Like banging your head against a brick wall. And a complete waste of time.
I gave up expecting that anything I could do or say, could have any positive affect, when even highly experienced mental health professionals, struggle to deal with them.
Strong, healthy boundaries, are needed with these toxic disordered people.
And a lot of self compassion and knowing it’s okay to deal with the truth and reality of the abuse we endured.
❤