Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I’m done thinking about the first 20 years of my life. As much as is possible, with PTSD.


I’ve spend enough time thinking about my childhood. Well, not that you could call it a childhood. I’ve spent enough time thinking and processing about the vile, disgusting excuses for human beings, who destroyed my childhood. I’ve processed enough of all they have done. All their intentional abuse. There is nothing that will change what they all did.

I do better now, when I don’t think about them. Thinking about them brings up too much pain, too many memories, too much suffering. They deserve nothing from me and I don’t deserve to have to endure any emotions about any of them. If they’re dead, they’re dead. What difference does it make. None.

So, I intend not thinking about any of it, as much as I possibly can. I can’t control my dreams and nightmares. I’ve accepted I will have them indefinitely. It’s cruel to have to endure them continually, but I have to accept it is the way it is. I accept severe PTSD is not curable, only manageable. I’ve also accepted I will always have re-experiencing issues of flashbacks, intrusive memories, which are also not in my control. But, I manage them better and as well as I can.

There is no good, that comes from thinking anymore, about the first 20 years of my life. It won’t change. It will always be horrendous. The people in it won’t change. They will always be horrendous. Nothing will change that.

There comes a point, after considerable processing, where you have to do all you can to avoid thinking about the past, as much as is possible. But, I validate the challenge of that, when you have non curable PTSD.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “I’m done thinking about the first 20 years of my life. As much as is possible, with PTSD.

  1. But what happened did matter and you matter … managing ptsd is part of my future as well but perhaps I may be able to enjoy my time today even if it is just small things. Thank you. I am able to relate so much to your words.

    • Yes, you are right, it did very much matter. I think I have an acceptance that I can’t change the past, or how terrible it was.
      It is such a sign of healing when we can enjoy things in the here and now, and a testament to our working so hard on managing PTSD, to allow space for joy and fun.
      It is a daily challenge and it does become a little easier over time.
      It’s a lot of work to learn to manage symptoms and emotions better, but SO worth it and SO deserved, for us all.