Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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My sleeping…. shit this last few weeks.


I’m doing everything I should be. Self care. Boundaries. Less time on the internet. Upped my exercise. Eating better. Socialising with calm, mature people. Gardening. Yoga.

Should be working well you would think…

Nope…….. my sleeping, is shit. My mood is low, often.

Two nights this week, with less than 2 hours sleep. Other nights I do sleep, I’m having bizarre trauma related dreams. It’s truly shit.

I know why. And I know I’m avoiding it. I’m avoiding dealing Continue reading


Asked to facilitate the Twitter PTSD Chat. About loss, grieving and mourning.

Until now, I was unable to participate in the online PTSD Chat on Twitter, due to volunteering commitments. That has changed days, so now I am free.

I’ve been asked before to help facilitate it and today being my first free day to participate, it coincides with a day the chat facilitator felt emotionally unable to do it. So, she mentioned how that worked out well and asked me take over and facilitate. Which I did.

It was pretty full on and I had to try and make sure I was liking all comments, and I posted some info to maybe help some of those participating. It was a bit stressful due to how fast many people were posting, but I think I did okay.

It was good to see many comments and the different ways people cope and different strategies used. I posted comments to remind people everyone grieves loss in different ways, each journey is different, different things work for different people etc. Continue reading


No-one has a right to tell me how to feel about my mother.

It has been the most painful part of my journey, to know my mother was involved, complicit in the grooming of myself and my siblings – to be sexually abused by my mother & step fathers circle of vile friends.

I know I will never get over this. And I know this is reality, because I know psychologically, you do not ever ‘get over’ this level of trauma, pain and suffering. You learn to deal with it and manage emotions etc. But, you never get over it. You grieve all your life.

Yes, there are many reasons why my mother may have become the person she is, but they are never excuses to do all she did.

I don’t rationalise abuse and abusive people, to make myself feel better. I have too much integrity to honesty, rational thinking and reality, to rationalise, as a self soothing, coping strategy.

And this BS people spout of bad people doing good sometimes. Sorry, but that does wash with me. Keeping me and my siblings in a home where abuse was continually occurring, knowing what her husband was. Continuing friendships with abusive people – is continual abuse, every second, of every day.

I am aware I am still conflicted with emotions and feelings I have had my entire life, caused by the deep and severe abuse, my mother made choices to inflict.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not raise my siblings well enough.

I still feel deep down, their issues are because I wasn’t a good enough mother to them.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not protect them and save them from the abuse.

And I know rationally, all this was never my responsibility and these feelings of guilt and shame are not mine to feel. But, I do. These feelings don’t just go away, because you realise they were never yours to feel. It’s like they are etched into my soul and I can’t make them go away. Continue reading