Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

No-one has a right to tell me how to feel about my mother.


It has been the most painful part of my journey, to know my mother was involved, complicit in the grooming of myself and my siblings – to be sexually abused by my mother & step fathers circle of vile friends.

I know I will never get over this. And I know this is reality, because I know psychologically, you do not ever ‘get over’ this level of trauma, pain and suffering. You learn to deal with it and manage emotions etc. But, you never get over it. You grieve all your life.

Yes, there are many reasons why my mother may have become the person she is, but they are never excuses to do all she did.

I don’t rationalise abuse and abusive people, to make myself feel better. I have too much integrity to honesty, rational thinking and reality, to rationalise, as a self soothing, coping strategy.

And this BS people spout of bad people doing good sometimes. Sorry, but that does wash with me. Keeping me and my siblings in a home where abuse was continually occurring, knowing what her husband was. Continuing friendships with abusive people – is continual abuse, every second, of every day.

I am aware I am still conflicted with emotions and feelings I have had my entire life, caused by the deep and severe abuse, my mother made choices to inflict.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not raise my siblings well enough.

I still feel deep down, their issues are because I wasn’t a good enough mother to them.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not protect them and save them from the abuse.

And I know rationally, all this was never my responsibility and these feelings of guilt and shame are not mine to feel. But, I do. These feelings don’t just go away, because you realise they were never yours to feel. It’s like they are etched into my soul and I can’t make them go away.

The guilt and shame, I was forced to endure, has cut such deep wounds into my soul, I do fear will never be gone.

I know the scapegoating abuse I endured, is considered by professionals who are experts in narcissistic/sociopathic type abuse, as profound. I was to blame for everything. Even bizarre things like my step fathers business going bust, their house being repossessed. I was told it was ‘all the trouble I caused’. As a child, being set up and abused by their friends, somehow, that was twisted into being ‘trouble I caused’.

The consequences of the deep levels of profound abuse I suffered, in so many ways, I realise I will be dealing with all my life. And I have to have self compassion about this, regardless of what other people think, or say.

There are too many wounds. And I don’t expect anyone to understand anymore.

I don’t hate my mother. I don’t condemn her. I don’t want her to burn in hell. I don’t want anything bad to be happening to her. I don’t want her enduring elder abuse. I wish she hadn’t endured anything in her childhood that may have been harmful. I wish she wasn’t who she is. I wish she had a better life.

(And this is compassion, mercy, grace and all I am called to do in terms of being a Christian. And I didn’t need any other Christians to help me with this).

But as for how I feel about her and all she did to me and my siblings …… no-one has any right to tell me how to feel, or tell me any timespan for how long I ‘should’ feel the emotions I feel.

I can absolutely say without any doubt, if I could wipe out all memories of my childhood and all emotions created by all the abuse, I would. It was not a choice to endure the abuse. It is not a choice to have the emotions I have as a result.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “No-one has a right to tell me how to feel about my mother.

  1. All of us who suffered at the hands of family were born innocent. !!! No one has the right to tell us “get over it” or bad people sometimes do good things. I too am very damaged and scarred by what happened to me. My parents are dead.. All I wanted and never will get is not an apology , nor them asking for forgiveness, but the truth. The validation that it did happen to me and they own it. I have lived such a painful life and yes , no one can understand what you have gone through. Same here and same with the multitude of us. I wish all of us peace. Thank you kindly for the post.

    • I understand that wanting the truth from abusive parents. And not having that from them. It is the emotional abuse they perpetuate that occurred the whole time is was happening and continually after.

      I am very aware of the victim blaming/shaming that occurs in society with the ‘get over it’ attitude. I refuse to have anyone shame me in that way any longer. We never ‘get over it’ and people need to understand that.

      I will have a hole in my soul, where decent parents/family, should have been and that hole is never gone. I am too honest with myself, to pretend otherwise.

      I have come to understand, only I need to understand this. If others don’t understand, I have to ignore them. But, it hurts, I know.