It has been the most painful part of my journey, to know my mother was involved, complicit in the grooming of myself and my siblings – to be sexually abused by my mother & step fathers circle of vile friends.
I know I will never get over this. And I know this is reality, because I know psychologically, you do not ever ‘get over’ this level of trauma, pain and suffering. You learn to deal with it and manage emotions etc. But, you never get over it. You grieve all your life.
Yes, there are many reasons why my mother may have become the person she is, but they are never excuses to do all she did.
I don’t rationalise abuse and abusive people, to make myself feel better. I have too much integrity to honesty, rational thinking and reality, to rationalise, as a self soothing, coping strategy.
And this BS people spout of bad people doing good sometimes. Sorry, but that does wash with me. Keeping me and my siblings in a home where abuse was continually occurring, knowing what her husband was. Continuing friendships with abusive people – is continual abuse, every second, of every day.
I am aware I am still conflicted with emotions and feelings I have had my entire life, caused by the deep and severe abuse, my mother made choices to inflict.
I still deep down, have guilt that I did not raise my siblings well enough.
I still feel deep down, their issues are because I wasn’t a good enough mother to them.
I still deep down, have guilt that I did not protect them and save them from the abuse.
And I know rationally, all this was never my responsibility and these feelings of guilt and shame are not mine to feel. But, I do. These feelings don’t just go away, because you realise they were never yours to feel. It’s like they are etched into my soul and I can’t make them go away.
The guilt and shame, I was forced to endure, has cut such deep wounds into my soul, I do fear will never be gone.
I know the scapegoating abuse I endured, is considered by professionals who are experts in narcissistic/sociopathic type abuse, as profound. I was to blame for everything. Even bizarre things like my step fathers business going bust, their house being repossessed. I was told it was ‘all the trouble I caused’. As a child, being set up and abused by their friends, somehow, that was twisted into being ‘trouble I caused’.
The consequences of the deep levels of profound abuse I suffered, in so many ways, I realise I will be dealing with all my life. And I have to have self compassion about this, regardless of what other people think, or say.
There are too many wounds. And I don’t expect anyone to understand anymore.
I don’t hate my mother. I don’t condemn her. I don’t want her to burn in hell. I don’t want anything bad to be happening to her. I don’t want her enduring elder abuse. I wish she hadn’t endured anything in her childhood that may have been harmful. I wish she wasn’t who she is. I wish she had a better life.
(And this is compassion, mercy, grace and all I am called to do in terms of being a Christian. And I didn’t need any other Christians to help me with this).
But as for how I feel about her and all she did to me and my siblings …… no-one has any right to tell me how to feel, or tell me any timespan for how long I ‘should’ feel the emotions I feel.
I can absolutely say without any doubt, if I could wipe out all memories of my childhood and all emotions created by all the abuse, I would. It was not a choice to endure the abuse. It is not a choice to have the emotions I have as a result.