Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I still very much, have PTSD.

I don’t choose to think about my past. I spent a long time, trying to suppress/avoid it all. Until, I no longer could. And then had no choice but to deal with it. I wish I could wipe every memory of the first 30 years of my life, from my brain. But, I can’t.

Having PTSD and all it’s many symptoms like re-experiencing, hyper vigilance, nightmares, the different types of flashbacks, intrusive memories etc – are not a conscious choice. They are involuntary.

All I can do is manage them, with mindfulness, distraction etc. Which I do to varying levels of success. But I very much still have PTSD.

So when I read or see anything where there are similarities to people who have abused me, my mind jumps straight to them. As happens with PTSD. Hence my previous post today. And I am then reminded of the severity and horrific nature, of all I endured.

So not only am I grieving all the abuse. But I am still dealing with the constant reminders of it all, due to the PTSD. Continue reading

I’m always suspicious of anti-government, anti-police types.

I’ve been around people who are really anti-police, anti-government, so I know their thinking. I had to know their thinking, to survive. So I see similarities in personality, behaviours, motivations, in people who are of the same mindset.

They consider themselves outside of the law, and should not have to confirm to law. Often they fit the Psychopath, or Sociopath – now known as Anti-social Personality Disorder – profile. They don’t believe they should have to conform to laws. They feel they are above the law, and should be able to do as they wish, no matter how violent/harmful, with no consequences.

Now, they are confirming these types – labelled as ‘sovereign citizens’ are considered likely terrorists.


Doesn’t surprise me, at all. They are dangerous people. I know because the psychopath/sociopath who horrifically abused me in captivity for several years (and went to prison due to this), had this mindset. He felt above the law, hated the police, hated government officials of any type. He loved guns and knives and liked to threaten people with them, as he did often. He was violent and aggressive, in many different forms. He said he had killed people and got away with it.

I can see how these violence loving types, within groups, would be easily encouraged to commit crimes of a violent type, against those they consider the enemy – like the police/government.

It’s also worrying how many of them are about. They have alarmingly large followings on social media.

It must require considerable policing, to be tracking these ‘domestic anti-government’ extremists. As well as tracking and intercepting all the other forms of terrorists.

A quote from the above link, from someone who is identified as a ‘sovereign terrorist’

“If you are a sovereign person, you make the laws for yourself. You decide in your own conscience what you want to do.”

The real issue lies, in them having no conscience. Continue reading


Grieving the whole of my lifetime, affected by child abuse.

I am a realist and honest with myself. Every part of my life, has been affected by the child abuse I endured. That is my reality.

There is not a single area of my life, that has not been impacted..

It is overwhelming at times. It’s more than I can cope with sometimes. I’m overwhelmed by sadness.

For all that should never have been, but was.

For all I never had, but should have had. Continue reading

More ‘overgeneralising’ about the Colorado Springs murders.


Robert Lewis Dear planned and intended to murder innocent people, at the Planned Parenthood centre in Colorado Springs. Including police officers.

And social media is now awash with anti-Christian hate. Apparently Dear claimed to be a Christian. A lot of people claim to be Christians and are not, by their very actions.

This man apparently appears to have a criminal history of violence and gun related crimes. If this is correct, then this would show a history of non Christian behaviours/attitudes. And these murdered are not Christian faith actions, either.

This man is a either a psychopath type, or has some kind of other mental health issues. Or is just evil. So I am not going to speculate, because I don’t know and neither does anyone else on social media. But, one thing I know for sure – Christians – even those opposed to abortion – would not consider these murders to be a true Christian behaviour. And most people identifying with being a Christian, would never commit any murder.

This cognitive distortion people love ‘overgeneralising’ and considering a whole group of people to be the same, based upon the actions of a few, is unhealthy and disordered thinking. Continue reading


Wisdom, is considering new people in a neutral way. Not negatively, or positively.

I am always relieved when I hear psychologists, psychiatrists, speaking wisdom I have come to understand. It helps confirm my thinking, as healthy.

I’ve been listening to a well known psychiatrist, speaking about not viewing new people either positively, or negatively. Because neither are wise. It is wise to be cautious and gather facts about people and not ignore any red flags, inconsistencies, odd behaviours, or issues.

It was a relief to hear the words ‘no you should not always give everyone the benefit of the doubt’. It is not the wise choice. No matter who claims it is. Even church people who claim it is the Christian way. It’s not. And it isn’t wise.

I’ve made these mistakes, many times. Viewing people as all positive when I first meet them. And then over time, some of them have proven to be people who use, abuse and exploit others. But, I had ignored the red flags I saw. I didn’t want to believe they were in fact, what these red flags were indicating – toxic, dangerous, manipulative, fake, liars etc.

Gathering facts, carefully, is needed. And not trusting people, until you know the person a lot more. Often people who have the worst intentions, disguise themselves as the most attentive, most charming, caring people. But, it is all an act. A front. I’ve seen this too often. the reason I have seen this too often, is because I was the perfect victim/prey. I didn’t carefully and slowly get to know people. I ignored the red flags. I wanted to believe all the charm and nice things they said.

Unhealthy, toxic and abusive people, often have the same patterns, and they were the kinds of people I was so used to. They were my ‘normal’ due to having such toxic and dangerous people surrounding me, during the first 20 years of my life. So, they did affect my life.

I notice as I am writing this blog, I am stating my unwise behaviours and vulnerabilities, as past tense.

Because, now, I do not ignore the red flags. I will tolerate them for a short while, but now I can discern people more effectively, in a quicker and more wise manner. I am thankful my hyper vigilance, is now healthy discernment. Continue reading


A chatterbox and tears.

My son’s school friend, was playing with a chatterbox this morning. I haven’t seen one of those, since I was in school. I used to make loads of them.

I told my son I would make him one, when he came home from school. And so I did.

I remembered how to make it, but as I was folding the paper, I could feel emotions welling up. Along with anxiety. No idea why, other than this is a reminder of my childhood in general, which was not a good one.

I tried to contain my emotions, as I wanted this to be a fun activity with my 6 year old. We worked out what numbers and colours, and wrote funny things for people to do.


I had to really focus on what I was doing, and focus on my son, and try really hard, to not allow the emotions to end up being tears.

But, once my son skipped off, ready to try his chatterbox out on his brother, the tears welled up in my eyes.

I hate my past interfering with my life now, when it involves my children. I don’t want my past, to be a part of Continue reading

Narcissists, often have a persecution/paranoia complex, along with entitlement.


Along with a sense of entitlement, narcissism also means these disordered personalities, will often have a persecution/paranoia complex.

I’ve seen this very recently, in a female narcissist. This woman feels ‘entitled’ to break the law (e.g. speeding and had to do community service due to this to retain her licence), stealing at a gardening show (I was so embarrassed seeing her do that) and all the lying. A total entitlement attitude. Why should she stick to the law, or have common decency? Why should she be a decent person and tell the truth? Lying is her entitlement. Because she is a narcissist. They believe they are special, and above the law. They don’t believe they need to conform to virtues such as honesty, integrity, decency, considering the rights of others. This is all combined with self confessed jealousy/envy issues. Typical of narcissists.

What I also noted which I have seen similarities in with narcissists, is the persecution complex. Repeatedly stating the police are ‘persecuting her and her daughter’ about child abuse. The fact that she thinks her or her daughter as ‘so special’ – that the police would want to waste their time persecuting them, is bizarre.

But, when faced with any accountability for actions/breaking the law/abuse, of course the police are ‘persecuting them’. It’s BS of course. Breaking the law results in the police rightly being involved and doing their job. And when it comes to child abuse – thank God for the police doing their job. And the guilty verdict of abuse to a child, shows there was sufficient evidence. Which of course, is ‘all lies’ according to a narcissist. Then it’s about a whole group of people persecuting them.

Narcissists will do anything to avoid responsibility and accountability. They will do anything to avoid facing the truth about themselves. They lie, deceive, invent stories, and blame anyone, but themselves. They will willingly destroy other people if needed, to protect their own fragile narcissistic ego.

And the paranoia, is evident. The paranoia is a way of blaming someone else. When actually deep down, they know the real issue is themselves. And that’s why they are paranoid. But they cannot bear to admit this, even to themselves. Leading to all the narcissistic behaviours of Continue reading


Applying further advice, about boundaries & trust.

In counselling, we discussed trust and how not to even trust a church minister, until they have proven their trustworthiness. And how trust is only built in a healthy way… slowly.

There is no doubt, that my boundaries, have been a work in progress and continue to be. But, I  learn by my mistakes.

I’ve made mistakes trusting people too soon, or not having healthy personal boundaries with new people in my life. And giving away too much of myself, too quickly. I’ve made unwise choices, and even recently, this has shown to be something I still need to work on.

So, I have been reflecting about social media. I have become Facebook friends with a group of people recently, that I barely know. So, upon reflection, why I am letting basically strangers into my private space, on social media, on my own personal facebook account?

It is not a wise decision, to have people I barely know, and have had maybe one or two group conversations with, into my personal life. It’s common to do that on social media, but still not healthy, or wise.

trust-is-earned-not-given.jpg Continue reading