Emotionally, I am pretty calm this morning. Despite my concerns about potentially walking into what could be anything from a nice, relatively healthy environment…….. right through the church continuum….. to the equivalent of being a lions den.
I don’t view churches or church people, through ‘rose coloured’ glasses and pretend they are all okay. As most church people like to. They are not all okay. I am a realist. And have considerable research and insight. And experience.
But, I am holding onto knowing, there are some out there, that are generally healthy. And whilst none will be perfect, some will have more good stuff, than not good stuff.
So, I’m pretty calm. Emotionally.
My body, however, is reacting differently. As is the issue with subconscious anxiety, stress, PTSD. My stomach is not okay. I feel nauseous. Hives are already making an appearance. And it’s only 8.15am.
I understand why my body reacts to potential harm – I have PTSD. And PTSD is subconscious and all I can do, is talk to myself calmly and do some strategies that come to me fairly easily now, after all the practise I have had.
I have been teaching my 13 year old breathing exercises, for stress, anxiety etc. With his fresh batch of teenage hormones kicking in regularly, he needs strategies too. And they are helping him.
I’ll be okay with how my body is reacting. My body has been through a lot and understandably my mind subconsciously wants to avoid all potential harm. I get it. I’ve been through enough. My mind is also subconsciously thinking WTF!! about going to church. I get that too.
But, this is fear, I choose to tackle.