Discussed this in counselling today. Discussed how the extent and severity of all the trauma, abuse, relationships I have to grieve, it will be a lifelong process.
I can’t remember the term used, but most grieving processes take around 18 months. But the extent of my trauma history, will not be grieved in that timeframe. It will be a lifelong journey.
I am doing everything I should be doing, and I still feel sad, depressed, angry etc, for periods of time throughout each week. This is normal. So whilst I do not want to feel this way, I am relieved to hear it is very normal. And is probably why I am not sleeping and need medication.
And it is normal that I have memories and emotions triggered by normal life situations, and that intensifies the normal, yet intense grieving emotions.
I am actually still in the really painful part of grieving, because I only came to fully accept the extent of the severity of my trauma history, and the many complex layers of it all, within the last 6 months.
You cannot start to fully grieve, until you fully accept everything you have endured. So whilst I have been processing the trauma for 4 years now, I only started the actual grieving process much more recently.
I am also someone who cannot apply any distorted thinking self soothing beliefs, to make the trauma feel less horrendous. I deal only with the full honest reality. So, it is a harder road.
I need to have self compassion about this. I need to know when I am down, not motivated, feeling overwhelmed etc…. this is all normal and needed, as part of my journey.
I am adding to this blog, I do also have times of feeling happy, I laugh with my family and friends, and these joyful times are increasing. So, the grieving I feel, is not continual – and not all day, every day. But still occurs regularly and some days are harder than others.