I have increased anxiety. My counsellor is away.

November 20, 2015 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Whenever my counsellor takes time off, I realise how much I need counselling. And I am honest to know and recognise now, how much I probably take it for granted. And that is not okay.

She is away for 2 weeks. As soon as she told me this, my anxiety went up.

Being someone who thinks differently to many people, I have no-one else except my counsellor, to share my thoughts with. She helps me to put into words, the thoughts I am processing.

Often she explains the psychology terminology/basis, or Biblical verses, to confirm my thinking. Often she confirms the emotions I have, and how they are needed. Which in a society mostly wanting people to suppress, avoid their emotions, I realise how much her support and willingness to listen to me, and validate my journey, is vital in my life and healing.

I think I would have gone insane, if I had not had her to share my journey with. Because I do not know anyone else in my life, who understands my thinking.

My thinking is so different from anyone I know, that it has at times, made me feel like I must be crazy. But, I do know, I live in a crazy, bizarre world, and I am not crazy, at all. Far from, according to my counsellor. I was so relieved when she explained my capacity for deeper thinking and my honesty, insight and self insight, are a ‘breath of fresh air, and rare’. And how I teach her and have wisdom to share with her, in the same way she has wisdom, I learn from.

But, without her to help me realise this, I think it would have pushed me so far into feeling so alone/different, I would have gone nuts.

I realise I empty my thoughts onto her each week. And each week, my thoughts and emotions are discussed and processed. And I have no-one else to do that with.

And I realise, the times when I have felt hurt by some things she has said, or her reactions, it has hurt so much, because she is a significant person in my life.  If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have cared. But, we have been able to work through those issues, and that is something I am deeply thankful for.

I’ve told her she is a significant person in my life. And when she is away, I realise all the more, just how significant.

I do know, how blessed I am. And how I should not ever take that for granted.