Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

A chatterbox and tears.


My son’s school friend, was playing with a chatterbox this morning. I haven’t seen one of those, since I was in school. I used to make loads of them.

I told my son I would make him one, when he came home from school. And so I did.

I remembered how to make it, but as I was folding the paper, I could feel emotions welling up. Along with anxiety. No idea why, other than this is a reminder of my childhood in general, which was not a good one.

I tried to contain my emotions, as I wanted this to be a fun activity with my 6 year old. We worked out what numbers and colours, and wrote funny things for people to do.


I had to really focus on what I was doing, and focus on my son, and try really hard, to not allow the emotions to end up being tears.

But, once my son skipped off, ready to try his chatterbox out on his brother, the tears welled up in my eyes.

I hate my past interfering with my life now, when it involves my children. I don’t want my past, to be a part of my relationship with my children, in any way. I don’t want to be having to manage emotions, or memories, when I am with my children.

I’m assuming the emotions and tears, are some kind of emotional flashback. Or just part of the grieving.

Whatever it is, I hate it.



Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “A chatterbox and tears.

  1. It’s amazing how something so small can bring out such emotions. It is more layers of wounds being pealed back. The next time you make one, you will not have the same reaction. Just take one baby step at a time. Praying for your healing.

  2. Hi everyone, I’m in tears right now. My tears are about ” why do I let people in my heart” it hurts, but yet I do it over and over again. Why do I say yeah your ok when their not! Basically why do I take a knife for a folk???? Why can’t I see things the real way when it’s wrong. Why can’t I get happiness in my life with someone special who understands me. Why do I have to be used time and time again. Why won’t it stop! Why am I not attracted to decent people??? Why why why. I meet someone it’s good for a time then it ends.

    • Relationships are the hardest issue to deal with, when we have endured complex trauma.
      I’ve realised I’ve always been drawn to what I knew – which is unhealthy people. Toxic people. We go to what we know and therefore, what is familiar.
      I know for me, I’ve needed to break this pattern.
      I needed to learn healthy, personal boundaries and how to stay away from people who are simply out to use people. Stay away from unhealthy, toxic, manipulative, self serving people. Basically the highly narcissistic types.
      I’ve needed to learn how to spot the red flags and not ignore them.
      I know building relationships slowly, is needed.
      Building trust slowly, is vital.
      It’s an ongoing process and journey I am still in too.
      ❤ ❤

  3. Dear HealingfromCPTSD,

    Thank you so very much for your website. I found your wonderful gallery of truthful words through google images. Those about enablers, those who say they won’t take sides, and bystanders were of those particularly validating and useful to me. As there is not much about the trauma of the cruelty of ‘secondary wounding’ on the internet. I love the mermaid pictures too. And thank you for the page about emotional flashbacks – I’d never heard of that though I get them a lot – situations, people, triggering the emotions of a trauma. The New Cage Movement article is another of my favorite – I think and feel the same about all that ‘spiritual’ stuff – it isn’t truth, it’s actually really delusional and toxic. People who believe in things like that are actually deluded and are very toxic abuse enablers and victim-blamers because of their ‘beliefs’. They are wolves in sheeps’ clothing – definitely. It is always so validating to read up and find that other people are saying the same.

    I wanted to say, I understand why you hate it that you started crying when you were making the chatterbox with your son, and that the abuse you have suffered still continues to affect you. I totally hate it too that I am still haunted by flashbacks and emotional flashbacks.

    But when I read about you crying I just felt so much compassion for you and realized this is what we need to feel for ourselves. I wanted to say it’s okay that you felt like crying. Tears are really healing. Maybe it’s the grief that you are being the loving mother you never had. I am trying to feel more self-compassion and gentleness towards myself when I get angry and frustrated about not being healed still.

    Love and many thanks x

    • Thank you so much for your message ❤

      I am so glad the info helps you, and confirms to you also, what is healthy and what isn't. I find it sad how many strongly believe in the lies told by too many in society, and don't heal as a result.

      And thank you for your compassion about the tears doing the chatterbox with my son. I think you are right, it is grieving – as I am the decent/caring mother for my son, that I never had.

      Whilst I don't want anyone to have experienced any trauma or abuse, and I wish you had not either, it can be a comfort when people truly understand the journey, the emotions, the symptoms etc.

      Thank you ❤