I don’t choose to think about my past. I spent a long time, trying to suppress/avoid it all. Until, I no longer could. And then had no choice but to deal with it. I wish I could wipe every memory of the first 30 years of my life, from my brain. But, I can’t.
Having PTSD and all it’s many symptoms like re-experiencing, hyper vigilance, nightmares, the different types of flashbacks, intrusive memories etc – are not a conscious choice. They are involuntary.
All I can do is manage them, with mindfulness, distraction etc. Which I do to varying levels of success. But I very much still have PTSD.
So when I read or see anything where there are similarities to people who have abused me, my mind jumps straight to them. As happens with PTSD. Hence my previous post today. And I am then reminded of the severity and horrific nature, of all I endured.
So not only am I grieving all the abuse. But I am still dealing with the constant reminders of it all, due to the PTSD.
Things are not going well at the moment. I can tell by my lowered mood and increased PTSD symptoms.
I still very much, have PTSD.