Decluttering my home, ready for a more organised 2016 :)

I’ve had more energy over the last month, which I think is a result of…  having processed so much in 2015 and the intense grieving starting to get easier. Combined with medication that helps me sleep, has stopped the hives, reduced physical pain and is a mild anti-depressant.

I’ve been de-cluttering my home over the week. Organising everything and giving the house a spring clean along the way.

It has made me realise how un-organised my husband is. He is a ‘shove it somewhere, anywhere, out of sight – out of mind’ type. No organisation. He can never find anything he needs.

So now I have more energy, it’s back to me being the organised one. I’m taking control of our finances – to get them back to a reasonable state again. I’m organising the kids stuff. Moving things about to more appropriate places. Giving everything a place – so there’s no excuses to not put things where they should be. Cleaning out cupboards, chucking stuff out that is not being used. Donating some of the better stuff.

I’ve involved my boys and husband in this process, so they can see what organisation looks like, and they know where everything goes.

Loving the results, of all the effort :)

My gardens are looking so beautiful. They are worth all the effort. They have been cared for, fed with what they need, maintained and loved.

It all takes continual effort, learning what is needed, seeing how different plants need different care. And how continual love and attention, brings beautiful results.

I see the similarities to caring for self and others.

11 Areas Of Healing Complex Trauma, In 2015.

2015, has been a tough year. It was the year I came to terms with the full extent of the severe child abuse I endured. It was the year I processed the extent of my mothers involvement in the child sexual abuse – all her children endured. It was the year, I processed the full extent of the consequences of all the child abuse, and how that impacted the adult I became.

It’s been a devastating and painful year. And I have needed to feel that pain, feel all the emotions that go with it. I have needed to grieve considerably.

As much as it has been so painful, I’ve needed to process and accept the reality. I needed to process through this, to continue my healing journey. I am very aware healing only occurs, when all the trauma is processed fully. It takes a lot of honesty, truth seeking, and capacity to deal with the full extent and reality of all the trauma. It takes considerable courage.

I’ve learned processing severe complex trauma’s and so much abuse and multiple abusers, takes a lot of time. It has to be a slow process, to be effective and safe.

I’ve been thinking a lot about all I have learned, all the growth I have chosen, in 2015….

1. I’ve further strengthened my emotional boundaries.

2. I’ve learned to understand other people’s issues, behaviours, thinking, beliefs… are about them and not about me. And I don’t need to absorb their issues. I leave their issues, with them.

3. I’ve learned how to discern unhealthy people by trusting my deeper discernment capacity and to sit back and watch what people do and how they behave. This enables me to decide what level of appropriate boundaries, I am now able to put in place. I also learned due to my empathy capacity, I am someone who will be targeted by unhealthy, toxic people. And how to manage that.

4. I’ve learned how I am not responsible for fixing other people. I see my over-developed sense of responsibility for others, was due to the parentification abuse, I endured and the constant blaming and scapegoating I endured in the first 20 years of my life. Now, I don’t see other people’s issues, as my responsibility any longer.

Rationalising Child Abuse, Is Not Wisdom

I see a lot of excuses being made for people who abuse children. I see a lot of rationalising. Blaming others.

Cognitive distortions, such as minimizing, rationalising, blaming others, making excuses…. are done for many reasons.

One reason, is the abuse is easier to digest if it’s minimized.

Another is, it is easier to cope, if you make excuses for the abuser.

For some, it seems easier to cope, if you blame self.

Cognitive distortions and self blame, are easier to digest for many, than dealing with the raw, honest, devastating truth. For many it is an easier path, to avoid this at all costs.

But, whilst I understand why people find cognitive distortions easier, I also know they are not honesty and they do not lead to healing.

I know this, from personal experience. I spent a long time avoiding, supressing, minimizing, being too afraid to deal with the raw truth. I made a lot of excuses for my abusers and blamed myself too. So I have been there. And it made my life and health worse, long term. It certainly did not lead to healing.

I encounter resistance (and some cognitive dissonance) when I write about the raw honest truth. Like in my last post. https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2015/12/29/being-a-good-parent-or-bad-parent-is-a-choice/

Sometimes, child abuse survivors make excuses for their parents or relatives, or abusers, because it is easier to deal with. So will tell me I am wrong because I do not do the same. Anymore. I realise, they are just not at the point in their journey I am. They are where I was, several years back.

Being a good parent, or bad parent, is a choice.

The more I read about what is required in childhood, the more I know how traumatic my own childhood was. As well as all the many forms of severe and ongoing abuse I endured, there was also considerable emotional and psychological neglect.

This article shows how much parenting affects children and the adult they become.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/12/151221194130.htm

It makes me so sad to know how terrible my childhood was, but also it shows how good and positive my own parenting for my children is.

Despite all the abuse and neglect, I do know how to give my own children everything I did not have. My children are loved, are shown appropriate affection, they feel safe, cherished, supported and loved. And I achieve this, even having severe PTSD and travelling through my healing journey.

Considering all I endured as a child, and all the positive parenting that was never modelled, I do pretty well as a mother to my own children.

Being a mother, is not easy, but I am an example of a person who endured considerable abuse and neglect, yet does well as a parent. So the excuse of having a bad childhood and bad parents, to me is not an excuse for continuing generational poor parenting.

I’ve never assumed I know it all as a parent. I’ve never assumed I don’t need to learn how to be a good parent. I’ve read and researched so much, plus I ask wise people for advice. This is how I know what it takes to be a  good parent. Because I made the effort to learn. I love my children enough to make sure I know everything I can and do everything I can, to give them a good enough childhood.

Quotes I relate to.

I’d rather be gardening.

.

I relate.

.

Sincerity matters to me.

I am picky now, when it comes to people. I now trust my discernment and I have much healthier boundaries.

I choose not to waste my energy on people who cannot be sincere and honest, especially when it comes to own self. I see through people’s masks. I see the real motivations. I see dishonesty, in all it’s many forms.

I have tolerated a lot of unhealthy and toxic behaviour, in my life. Now, I don’t.

When people use narcissists, for their own self serving needs.

I’ve seen this occur recently and it is something that I cannot do. I have more integrity and conscience, than to use someone’s narcissism, to my advantage.

It has been an interesting time, sitting back and watching how people behave. Having come to know someone is clearly a narcissist, I’ve watched some of the people around her, and their own self serving behaviours.

This particular narcissist, wants to be in full control of a group of people, and it really is a circus type situation, with the narc as the ring master and the monkeys all around.

Some said monkeys are happy to allow the narc to be in control, because it suits them to not have to organise things in the group. So despite knowing the narc is a liar and deeply selfish and harmful, they are allowing her  control issues to continue in her ringmaster role…. for as long as it suits them. They don’t like her and simply tolerate her, for their own needs. Which is also narcissism. Of course, they justify and rationalise it, but I see straight through that.

It’s like narcissistic people, using other narcissistic people. And none have any integrity to what is right, what is healthy. They are just all self serving and doing what’s best for themselves.

I have far too much integrity to participate in this. I won’t use a narc for my own advantage – even though I easily could if I wanted.

It is isn’t in the narcs best interests, to use them…. and in the process enable them and condone their behaviour. So, the reality is, I actually have more compassion for the narc in not using them for my own needs, than those who are.

Reflections over this Christmas holiday season.

I’ve been very mindful lately of seeing the priorities in life that I need to completely focus on. And ignoring anything that is not a healthy priority.

My children are my main priority and we have had some wonderful family time. Seeing my children happy, excited and spending quality family time with them, is such a blessing. Christmas has been low key, but great.

I’ve had a lot more energy and motivation lately, which was a choice I needed to make. And I think the medication I am now taking, has helped.  I have no more hives, and I am sleeping better. Plus pain issues, have reduced a little. All good stuff.

Delightful Christmas Eve :)

It’s been such a lovely day….. some gardening in the morning, and then Christmas baking with my youngest.

We went to Church for the Christmas Eve service, which was very family orientated and really delightful. The female minister is so great with the kids, welcomes noise and doesn’t expect kids to be quiet. So it’s very relaxed and welcoming. She organised such fun for the children – involving them in singing, a Christmas quiz and having lots of little gifts for them all. I was so thankful for it all 🙂

When we got home, my youngest delighted in putting out homemade cookies & milk for Santa and carrots for Rudolph and Co. It was so cute watching my sons so excited 🙂

Nearly finished wrapping all the pressies 🙂