I am not someone who believes ‘everything happens for a reason’. I don’t believe abuse happens for any good reason, than to harm someone. I don’t justify, rationalise harmful situations and people. I don’t apply those distorted thinking beliefs.
But, I do believe when situations arise, it can be an opportunity to reflect and consider what growth has occurred and what may still need working on. This requires self insight and self honesty.
Two recent situations, regarding starting to attend a new church and dealing with a disordered/toxic person, have given me opportunities, to reflect on how I have dealt with these situations.
This was discussed in counselling today. And confirmed my growth in how I deal with emotional issues, unhealthy people, building new friendships/relationships, discernment, self control, staying away from people who create chaos, healthier boundaries etc…. are all considerably strengthened.
Plus, I have a calmness, and a level of resilience, combined with the capacity to not take on board, or allow other people’s issues, to affect me.
It is as though I am proceeding through situations in a way that allows me to view it unemotionally, but with discernment and a sense of calmness, I have never known.
It feels safe, to build friendships slowly and carefully. And I have no desire to go quickly, and I am content with the more surface level, drama free friendships. And keep the deeper level connections, including about my journey to healing, to just a few people. People who’s maturity and character traits, I value and am now drawn to.
It feels safe, to have required healthy, normal boundaries, from immature, or selfish, or toxic, or manipulative, or disordered people. And not feel guilty about those boundaries, and normal self care.
It feels safe, to not ‘need’ people. It now be at place of full acceptance, that I don’t need people, but now decide to be around people from a place of choice, rather than any ‘need’. And to pick those people, carefully and wisely.
It feels safer, to have resilience, and not care about people’s opinions and views of me. This being people who are not significant people in my life. Even knowing people are been lied to about me, I can see as their choice to believe what they want, and I really don’t care. People who choose to believe lies and gossip, don’t matter. This immature behaviour, only reflects on their issues and is not about me, or a reflection of me. I can ignore it.
It feels safe, to know there will always be people with bizarre, unhealthy, unwise behaviours, and I can choose to not absorb this, not take it personally, because their issues, are not about me.
It feels safe, to trust my discernment, my deep capacity to pick up on red flags, and assess people in a wise manner and to trust it, in a calm, careful, non reactive manner.
This list could go on. But, this is the general place I am at.
My growth is considerable. And it’s okay to recognise that, and to feel okay with all the effort, self honesty and insight required, to choose this path of growth.
It is helpful, when my counsellor confirms this and sees this growth herself and comments on it all.
And this all leads to a place of calmness and peace. And it feels great.