2015, has been a tough year. It was the year I came to terms with the full extent of the severe child abuse I endured. It was the year I processed the extent of my mothers involvement in the child sexual abuse – all her children endured. It was the year, I processed the full extent of the consequences of all the child abuse, and how that impacted the adult I became.
It’s been a devastating and painful year. And I have needed to feel that pain, feel all the emotions that go with it. I have needed to grieve considerably.
As much as it has been so painful, I’ve needed to process and accept the reality. I needed to process through this, to continue my healing journey. I am very aware healing only occurs, when all the trauma is processed fully. It takes a lot of honesty, truth seeking, and capacity to deal with the full extent and reality of all the trauma. It takes considerable courage.
I’ve learned processing severe complex trauma’s and so much abuse and multiple abusers, takes a lot of time. It has to be a slow process, to be effective and safe.
I’ve been thinking a lot about all I have learned, all the growth I have chosen, in 2015….
1. I’ve further strengthened my emotional boundaries.
2. I’ve learned to understand other people’s issues, behaviours, thinking, beliefs… are about them and not about me. And I don’t need to absorb their issues. I leave their issues, with them.
3. I’ve learned how to discern unhealthy people by trusting my deeper discernment capacity and to sit back and watch what people do and how they behave. This enables me to decide what level of appropriate boundaries, I am now able to put in place. I also learned due to my empathy capacity, I am someone who will be targeted by unhealthy, toxic people. And how to manage that.
4. I’ve learned how I am not responsible for fixing other people. I see my over-developed sense of responsibility for others, was due to the parentification abuse, I endured and the constant blaming and scapegoating I endured in the first 20 years of my life. Now, I don’t see other people’s issues, as my responsibility any longer. Continue reading