2015, has been a tough year. It was the year I came to terms with the full extent of the severe child abuse I endured. It was the year I processed the extent of my mothers involvement in the child sexual abuse – all her children endured. It was the year, I processed the full extent of the consequences of all the child abuse, and how that impacted the adult I became.
It’s been a devastating and painful year. And I have needed to feel that pain, feel all the emotions that go with it. I have needed to grieve considerably.
As much as it has been so painful, I’ve needed to process and accept the reality. I needed to process through this, to continue my healing journey. I am very aware healing only occurs, when all the trauma is processed fully. It takes a lot of honesty, truth seeking, and capacity to deal with the full extent and reality of all the trauma. It takes considerable courage.
I’ve learned processing severe complex trauma’s and so much abuse and multiple abusers, takes a lot of time. It has to be a slow process, to be effective and safe.
I’ve been thinking a lot about all I have learned, all the growth I have chosen, in 2015….
1. I’ve further strengthened my emotional boundaries.
2. I’ve learned to understand other people’s issues, behaviours, thinking, beliefs… are about them and not about me. And I don’t need to absorb their issues. I leave their issues, with them.
3. I’ve learned how to discern unhealthy people by trusting my deeper discernment capacity and to sit back and watch what people do and how they behave. This enables me to decide what level of appropriate boundaries, I am now able to put in place. I also learned due to my empathy capacity, I am someone who will be targeted by unhealthy, toxic people. And how to manage that.
4. I’ve learned how I am not responsible for fixing other people. I see my over-developed sense of responsibility for others, was due to the parentification abuse, I endured and the constant blaming and scapegoating I endured in the first 20 years of my life. Now, I don’t see other people’s issues, as my responsibility any longer.
5. I’ve learned not to tolerate ongoing unhealthy people, when there is no willingness by them to change. I am not a doormat. I can choose healthier, more mature people to engage with. I have standards now, which is about growing self esteem and self worth.
6. I’ve learned to stand up more for myself, and trust my ever growing wisdom into human behaviour. It is proven correct, continually.
7. I’ve learned that you should not ‘give people the benefit of the doubt’. That is unwise, no matter what others think. But, discerning people in an unemotional, careful manner, over time, is wise.
8. I’ve learned people will generally do what they want, for their own needs. Often choices and decisions will not be the wise, healthy choice. But instead – whatever serves themselves. Having a conscience and self insight, are not common. But, I am only in control of myself, not others, and I can make decent, mature, healthy choices and have choices about the people I spend time with.
9. I’ve learned I don’t ‘need’ people. I can be on my own, and I learned to enjoy my own company. And I see how this is needed, to grow. And people I am friends with, are purely to enjoy their company, and are not to subconsciously be the family I never had. I’ve fully accepted, I will never have the family I was meant to have as a child. I’ve stopped subconsciously, seeking this. And I have self compassion about this.
10. I’ve chosen healthy hobbies, that create joy and mindfulness. My increasing love of gardening, is a part of my healing journey and has many health benefits.
11. My mantra throughout 2015, of ‘Boundaries, Balance & Self Care’ proved to be a much needed mantra and required much self honesty, self motivation and self discipline. I am consistently able to ensure these.
There is more, but this list is long enough already. I’ve learned a lot in 2015…
And all this will have a positive affect in 2016. Because there was a lot of healing, in 2015.
I’m sure in 2016, there will be some more processing, change, growth and healing. And I know I can endure it and handle it. Because I am a lot stronger now, than I have ever been.
Healing complex trauma, is possible. It is the hope I give to others.