Throughout all the abuse I have endured, each abuser told me I deserved it. And I deserved nothing else. Or I wanted it. The lies they tell themselves, are how they can justify what they are doing. Plus, some of them really enjoyed what they were doing.
When you have been taught by abusive parents and other abusers, that you are to blame, it can become something you believe.
I’ve continued on the self blaming, throughout my life, for many things. The abuse done to me. The abuse done to my sisters. Blamed myself for not protecting them. Blamed myself for all the other abuse I’ve endured.
I think we can be taught to blame ourselves by abusers, and this is another level of abuse we endure.
I think we can also blame ourselves, rather than deal with the truth – people who were meant to love us, protect us… did the opposite. That reality, especially when it is about parents, can be horrendously painful to deal with. So, blaming self, is for some, an easier road,. An ‘easier to deal with road’, of less painful reality to process. And I can default to this, still, when overwhelmed.
I think blaming self, also means the victim maintains some false sense of having been in control of what happened. If we deserved it, then it was meant to happen and we ‘allowed’ it, which meant we chose it. And it was not out of our control. Which is all absolutely wrong, but people will do what they need to do, to cope. To cope with evil occurring, that no-one should ever have to endure.
To cope with things that were meant to cause us such suffering, and are so far out of the normal human being experiences, will lead to maladaptive ways of coping.
To accept the abuse was completely out of our control, means we then know terrible things can happen, that we could not stop…. and this fear and knowledge, is horrendous. It means we lose trust in ourselves, and other people. It means we know human beings are capable of deliberately, intentionally and consciously making people suffer and they enjoy it. That creates a depth of fear, that is too much for some.
I don’t even know if I’m making sense in this blog. It’s something I am processing at the moment and I don’t think I have it all worked out.
But, I know this is one of those issues, my mind won’t let go of, until I work it out.
I also know people often blame the victim, because then they can avoid the harsh, fear inducing reality, that people willingly, intentionally, deliberately and consciously cause horrendous suffering to people, including children. Like raping children. Like a mother pimping out her kids, to be abused. People don’t want to deal with the reality that some people enjoy doing this. And do it of their own free will, intentionally. It’s too hard a reality, for many to digest.
I see mental illness often used as an excuse for abhorrent acts of disgusting vile abuse, caused to others. Which again, is often to make the harsh reality, seem better than it is. I see in the mental health field, mental illness is used as an excuse. And also I see victim blaming occurring within the mental health industry.
It is becoming apparent to me, what a complex issue it is, to deal with how human beings react and respond to severe, vile and abhorrent human suffering, caused by people.
And how very often, this is dealt with by believing lies, rationalising, minimizing, blaming self, blaming the victim, putting a positive spin on it – to make it seem better, falsely giving some purpose/reason for the suffering etc.
And beyond all that, how little insight most people have about all this.