Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why I don’t encourage ‘everyone just be yourself’ thinking.


There are a lot of people pushing this attitude that we all just need to unapologetically be ourselves. And don’t change for anyone.

It is such bad advice. There are a lot of people who do indeed need to change and not be themselves. There are a lot of people who cause harm to others, and to feed them this BS that no-one needs to change, enables them to remain a toxic person, causing harm.

If people just stopped and thought about how abusive, toxic, selfish, manipulative, exploitative people hearing this message ‘don’t change, just be unapologetically you’. It’s not wise, is it?

These unwise and shallow attitudes people can have, are not helpful, at all. And they often come from people who know deep down they themselves need to change, but don’t want to. So in telling everyone else not to change, they give themselves permission, not to change and grow.

This often goes hand in hand with the ‘unconditional love’ attitude. Which again is very unwise, potentially dangerous and enables toxic people to continue being toxic.

It is far wiser, to know conditions are necessary. Like not tolerating abuse, harm, toxicity.

Without expectation of conditions, people don’t learn boundaries, or respect for others. They don’t know what is expected of them, to be decent people. And all too often unconditional love, is used for malicious reasons.

I think a better way would be to state ‘you can love someone unconditionally, but you cannot have unconditional behaviour and relationships’.

But that is not what gets stated…. and so the clarification needed, isn’t understood. And that leads to all manner of issues. And it leads to people enabling toxic behaviour, which is never good.

I’ve loved people unconditionally and tolerated abusive, harmful, toxic behaviour…. and I know the harm it causes.

Now, I do have conditions to relationships. I expect to be treated with decency and respect, honesty and not being abused. And I know this is wise, necessary and about self esteem.

I realise a lot of people like the idea of something, but don’t think it through. They don’t think about all the ways it can be used. They don’t think about how a concept like ‘be yourself’ can be harmful, and doesn’t encourage growth and is too often used for harmful reasons.



Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

2 thoughts on “Why I don’t encourage ‘everyone just be yourself’ thinking.

  1. Very WELL SAID!! I fully agree & have questioned this for awhile now & couldn’t have written any better –🙂

    Usually the only ones who seem not to change are the A@@Holes & Abusers of our society!!

    Some of us need to learn who we are & not accommodate others because of our pasts, but blatantly stating never change for others without explanation of “THE OTHERS” is truly misleading!!

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