Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

1 Comment

There is no shame in being a victim.

Fullscreen capture 26012016 61014 PM-001

As an advocate against victim shaming, I see very clearly the word ‘victim’ – when related to abuse, is seen by many to be ‘shameful’.

Even the phrase ‘don’t be a victim’ – perpetuated in the mental health/illness field – is shaming victims. Psychologists, counsellors etc – all too often shame victims and buy into this victim shaming damage, due to not having the insight and empathy, to see the damage it causes.

Victims of abuse, perpetuate this shaming. Demanding they are not victims, they are survivors, or some other phrase. The reality is – we are victims, and the consequences of being a victim, continue on long past the actual abusive event(s).

To demand the term ‘victim’ is not used or applied, is shaming in itself. Continue reading

Great feedback, shows I am on the right track.

Fullscreen capture 26012016 15651 PM

I care whether my website and all I write and share, helps people in an appropriate healthy, productive way. This includes whether it is real, validating, informative, awareness raising, educational etc.

When I have feedback – I think about the type of feedback. I’m not interested in feedback that says people think I’m great/amazing etc. I’m not in this, to stroke my ego. If I was, I wouldn’t be so controversial. I don’t say what I think people want to hear. I say what people need to hear, that will help them in their journey.

This feedback I received today, shows I am achieving what I aimed for

‘A comprehensive website, where people can gain

considerable info, from one site’.

This is why I collated info from different sources, different trauma experts. To collate relevant info, in one place. Continue reading

‘A profound realization’ that spanking is domestic violence.

Today, I wrote a comment about spanking (on an anti-spanking organisation page) – being a ‘complete lack of empathy and that adults expect not to be hit, but justify hitting their children and that abuse – which spanking is – is domestic violence’.

The reply back was ‘what a profound realization, that spanking is domestic violence’.

I don’t see this as profound. It’s common sense to me. I extend to my children the same interactions and dignity, I expect for myself. I don’t want to be hit, so I extend this same attitude/dignity/compassion, to my children.

spanking is abuse

But, in a world where many children are abused every day, in ways considered ‘normal parenting’ – like spanking, being called derogatory names, yelled at, belittled, shamed, punished in all manner of ways etc….. it would seem the way I view spanking, is considered profound. Continue reading

The lack of insight, my husband and his parents choose.

I am aware people have varying levels of self insight. And I believe there can be an unwillingness to look within, combined sometimes with a lower capacity, to look within and why.

An example of this is my in-laws, and my husband.

I know my in-laws parented their children, from a basic level of parenting, but missed some really important areas of parenting and there was also neglect. They are the type of parents who believe that as long as they fed their kids, made them go to school, and their kids didn’t annoy them, their parenting was enough. And it was not.

They neglected their kids in some really important areas of development. And they didn’t teach their kids crucial life skills, or how to handle own behaviours in a healthy way. They failed to teach their children to be honest. And instead just how to have a false image of who you are. They failed to teach them social skills, how to view women respectfully, empathy (as they have none), and many other areas of development.

One of the ways they failed to teach their sons how to respect women, was in allowing them as teenagers to have pornographic posters of women topless on their bedroom walls. Pornography affects teenagers brains and mindsets, in a really negative way. And they watched porn as teenagers. Another way, was in both of them referring continually about other women in disrespectful terms, such as ‘pieces’. As in ‘look at that piece’. There are many other examples, and this did not teach their boys to be respectful to women. And it made their boys, see women as sexual objects. They also refused to have conversations about sex, relationships and what is respectful in terms of intimacy.

These issues alone, have created big issues for their son, my husband. And they affected our marriage in serious ways. my counsellor knows about all this, and has confirmed that my husband has selfish, narcissistic issues, and he needs his own counselling.

Neither of his parents, think they have done anything wrong within their parenting. And I can guarantee, they will not have sat and thought about whether their parenting was healthy, or not. They have no self insight, and no willingness to either.

They also don’t know their daughter is a drug addict and has been smoking weed, since her own daughter was a baby, and probably before that. They ignore the fact that their daughter de-frauds benefits, by claiming to be a single mother, when she is living with her partner for many years. And she has no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame about this. A complete sense of entitlement. And she also has no capacity for empathy.

My husband has had no choice but to face his issues, because I have told him his issues, all of which have been confirmed as relationship, disrespect, selfishness etc issues. And he has already been diagnosed with personality disorder issues. But, they do not render him incapable of being different, it is an unwillingness. He is also a compulsive liar.

Having watched recent interactions between him and his parents for a week, I can see clearly their shallow and unhealthy dynamic. My husband puts up a false image of who he is (as he did with me when we first met), and he never talks about his issues with his parents. And they choose only to see the ‘good’ stuff…. to make their lives easy. My husband never own his poor behaviours, unless he has to. No integrity and as a result, I was given a very false image of who he was. I only started to learn who he really is, by finding out from others about really shocking things he has done. Only then did he admit to them, defensively, by minimizing and having tantrums. Continue reading


You can love unconditionally, but you cannot have unconditional behaviour/relationships.


There are too many quotes going around, stating ‘unconditional love’ makes someone a better person. And it is not love, if you have conditions, or expectations within relationships.

What they fail to confirm, is yes – you can love someone unconditionally, but you cannot have unconditional behaviour, or unconditional relationships. Continue reading


I had to learn I deserve healthy people & healthy relationships

For a long time – decades – I didn’t believe I deserved healthy people in my life. So I accepted unhealthy and toxic people. It was all I knew. It was what was ‘normal’ for me, from early childhood, onwards. And I was inevitably treated badly, abused, harmed, by them.

I had to learn my intuition about people, and my capacity to work people out, is accurate and highly developed. And to not ignore it. It is a gift from having to keep myself as safe as possible, for the first 20 years of my life.

Now, I do know I deserve healthy people and healthy relationships. Continue reading