Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Sure, it’s easier to show grace, mercy & forgiveness, about ‘minimized’ abuse.

I’ve just had one of those light-bulb moments, when I work something out, that is really bothering me.

So many church people minimize abuse. In my short 4 years of being a Christian, I have seen it all too often. I’ve endured spiritual abuse. I’ve endured excuse making, victim shaming, denial of abuse…… I could on.

The reason for many, as to why they choose to minimize abuse, is because it is so much easier to do your Christian duty, when you minimize the vileness of the abuse – down from the vile, abhorrent reality of it…. down to ‘funny thinking’ or making excuses for the abuser, or even denying parts of it.

I’m imagining this big huge bulging cloud of dark heaving trauma & suffering (called abuse) and then a series of clouds reducing down in size, reducing in intensity, reducing in darkness, reducing in pain and suffering, down to a little grey cloud, that is far less heavy, far less bulging with suffering, just has a little pain contained ………. and an arrow pointing at that little grey cloud and the words underneath – as a church person “I forgive the ‘mistakes’ that person made.  We are all sinners. All sin is equal. I show that person who caused that ‘incident’ (abuse) the grace and mercy and compassion God tells us to. And another little thought bubble underneath with Continue reading


Honoured to be invited to contribute to this book.

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare

I am honoured to be invited to be a contributor for this book. Shahida is a gifted writer and is helping many through her books.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse, is not easy, not quick and when endured as a child in particular, it has life long, life impacting consequences. And I don’t minimize this.

Shahida, understand complex trauma and Complex PTSD are some of the consequences of enduring these personality disorder, abusive people. I am deeply thankful, to be asked to contribute, due to my knowledge and experience of enduring and healing complex trauma. Continue reading


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Empathic people are often rejected.

People in general tend to reject what they do not personally understand. People tend to fear what they don’t understand, and will jump straight to having to dismiss, reject, scoff etc. I realise empathy is not common.

It’s where people are at in emotional development.

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Some people confuse sympathy, with empathy. But, there are huge differences.

As with most things in life, people only understand what they personally have experienced.

I see this more and more, with regard to all the life experiences I have endured. I understand abuse, complex trauma, abusers, more than your average person will understand.

I also understand empathy and how not to confuse that with other types of thinking. I see a lot of cognitive distortions, being confused as empathy and compassion. Like minimizing abuse. Like ignoring abuse. Like cheap grace. None of these types of thinking are empathy…. but people will delude themselves that they are. Continue reading


Reading about Cardinal Pell at the Royal Commission makes me feel ill.

I haven’t listened to him yet. I can’t. I know I be so angry. I’ve seen enough reporting and comments about his bad attitude, to know how it’s going.

I feel really angry, for every single victim. And not just the victims of Pell & his paedophile buddies, but any victim of abuse by church people.

They make sick. Literally nauseous.

I have prayed for every one of the victims. Justice won’t be done though ……… because justice would be Pell and all his friends and the Pope in prison, for enabling and condoning these evil men to destroy childhoods and make children and their families, suffer so severely.

The Pope would know all about Pell and how he enabled his paedophile friends. That makes The Pope as bad as they are. Continue reading


I fucking hate the way church people minimize abuse.

I try to avoid the Royal Commission, as it is so triggering and upsetting. But, Cardinal Pell is all over the news at the moment.

http://www.msn.com/en-au/news/australia/cardinal-george-pells-memory-fallible-as-royal-commission-testimony-begins/ar-BBq7wTd?li=AAgfYrC&ocid=U206DHP

It is so fucking typical of church people to minimize and invalidate their abusive actions. ‘Mistakes were made’. FFS. It wasn’t ‘mistakes’ it was ongoing severe abuse. Denying child sexual abuse by the paedophiles they were enabling and protecting. Treating the victims in a disgusting manner. For decades. That wasn’t a fucking mistake – it was deliberate, intentional, planned and cause massive devastating suffering to all the victims and their families.

This is the one of the reasons, they treated the victims so badly and protected the paedophiles….. and this is abuse – right there in this sentence. Emotional, mental, psychological and spiritual abuse…. for decades.

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Abuse ^ from paedophiles and their enablers.

 

Minimizing and invalidation is abuse in itself. Denying it, to protect the church. Considering the Bible speaks of being truthful, they are fucking failing miserably in that. Still.

I’ve noticed a lot of church people choose minimizing as a way to deal with church abusers. My counsellor does it. She minimizes abuse by church people to ‘funny thinking’. It’s not fucking funny thinking, it’s abuse. Mental, emotional & spiritual abuse to minimize the suffering church people inflict on victims. Continue reading


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‘Never Let Me Go’.

This song resonates me, with how I feel when life becomes too hard.

I think about death, every day. I have suicide ideation, more frequently than I admit to anyone. Since being a teenager and trying to end my life for the first time, I have considered death whenever I am overwhelmed.

‘It’s the only way I can escape’.

‘And it’s over, and I’m going under, but I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in’.

 


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I don’t know if it is a gift or a curse, to have discernment. And a conscience.

I learned discernment young. I needed to – to survive so much ongoing daily abuse, from highly abusive people, who were all around me.

Hypervigilance, can be very accurate discernment.

It’s interesting how many people failed to work out a sociopath, who has now been proven to have been faking PTSD, terminal cancer, eating disorders, being in combat, being in the SAS…. and who is a highly abusive man.

I worked him out fast. Yet 1000’s of people didn’t. Even his own admins, after I told them, didn’t see it, until he started abusing them. They ignored my warning and joined in with his cyber abuse. His own NFP PTSD org workers, didn’t see it. His own partners didn’t see it, until the relationship ended.

Yet, I picked up on it very quickly. Within weeks of seeing his PTSD Facebook page, I knew he was a fraud.

It’s this way with other people too. I detect narcissists, sociopaths etc, quickly. Because I grew up with them. I know their traits and how to be vigilant about the red flags.

I also hate seeing people conned and lied to by them. My conscience does not let me just ignore the abuse others are and will be enduring. I am aware people ignored the abuse I have endured, and failed to help me. I have always vowed never to be like them. But, instead be a person of compassion, have empathy for current and future victims. Speak up with courage and help people. Not ignore them. Like I was ignored by all the people who failed me.

So, I speak up. As I have done for over 2 years with he PTSD/cancer etc fraud.

As I did with the narcissist pastor and wife.

I feel guilty if I don’t warn people. I worry about the lies and fraud they are being subjected to. It plays on my mind.

Recently, coming to detect 2 narcissists, I have not spoken up to all those being affected. Because I know it will be ignored. I don’t know the people well enough to speak up. But, I still worry in the back on mind, about the lies people are swallowing. How they are being used for the narcissists own needs.

But, I do realise not every situation where a narcissist, is manipulating people and lying to them, is my responsibility to deal with. Some people have to figure it out by themselves. Sadly. Continue reading


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Many more people are contacting me about Simon Buckden

Since the last court hearing (22nd Feb 2106), where Buckden admitted guilt to lying about cancer & PTSD – but with the new excuse of Munchausens, many more people have contacted me.

Sadly, many people have been duped by him. He is a convincing liar. People have confided in me about the abuse and threats they have endured from him.

I’m glad the truth is now coming out. Especially as I have known for over 2 years, exactly what he is. I am hoping there will be no more victims. Continue reading


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Don’t insult my intelligence, about abusers.

I was at my ladies group this week and a local coffee place. At the next table to us, were a group of special needs adults and some carers. It was lovely seeing them and how they were being treated just like anyone else, and enjoying their drinks and food.

Some of the special needs adults, had behaviours that would not be considered normal. One kept making loud noises, one kept hugging the person he was next to, and some of the others were having non ordinary behaviours.

As I was watching them, I thought some of them are possibly intellectually impaired and just did not understand their behaviour were socially unacceptable and not ‘normal’. I realised these adults, could be capable of other behaviours they would not necessarily understand were wrong and possibly not understand the consequences of their behaviours.

Which also made me think about abusive people who do intentionally harm others, and they know exactly what they are doing. Like narcissists,      sociopaths,  psychopaths,  paedophiles,  sex offenders,  rapists etc.  Their ‘mental health/illness’ does NOT render them incapable of understanding whether their actions are wrong/harmful. They do know, they just don’t care. It’s why they are manipulative, sly, do things behind closed doors. It’s why they lie and deny. It’s absolutely intentional.

There is a big difference between someone who is genuinely incapable of knowing whether their actions are wrong, and someone who does know.

Someone who is intellectually impaired, and has development issues in many areas…. is very different to a manipulative, lying, devious, narcissist. Very different to a paedophile, or sex offender. Very different to a sociopath or psychopath.

And all of these highly abusive types of people are absolutely consciously choosing to hurt people, lie to people. They are not insane. They are 100% responsible and accountable for their intentional and deliberate actions that harm others.

Which is why it really pisses me off, when people say ‘oh they can’t help being a narcissist, or paedophile (etc) – it’s their mental illness’. Total bullshit.

And it pisses me off and insults my intelligence, to suggest they cannot help it.

It pisses me off when their abusive actions, are minimized and the victims invalidated as a result.

It pisses me off when people then demand victims see it  as ‘mental illness they cannot help’.

It is a huge insult to the victims of these highly abusive people.

It is huge insult to the victims, to deny these abusive people knew they were doing wrong. Continue reading


My garden soothes my soul

I love seeing my gardens grow. I started off with a blank canvas, as there were very few plants in the gardens. It was pretty much grass and very little else.

Now, my gardens are blooming with beautiful plants and flowers.

I love my flowering arch and my beautiful geraniums cascading down on my little fairy garden deck.

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Flowering Archway

 

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