Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I no longer believe God loves me.


I’ve tried really hard throughout the last 4 years, to believe God loves me. I’ve tried to reconcile a loving God, with all the suffering he allows. I can no longer reconcile this.

I do believe in God, but I don’t believe he loves me. Allowing terrible suffering to go on, is not love. Allowing children to be abused, sexually abused, neglected, is not love.

I will do anything within my capacity to love my children, not hurt them, not allow other people to hurt them. To protect them. I would never just stand by and watch my children suffer, and do nothing. I couldn’t stand by and watch anyone suffer and do nothing. But God does. Jesus does.

And I cannot delude myself any longer that I am loved, when it is so obvious, I am not.

I realise people will believe what they want to believe about God. And that’s okay. We all use different ways of coping.

But, I cannot believe in such cruelty being allowed, and call that love.






Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “I no longer believe God loves me.

  1. I’ve survived things most people
    I survived things most people don’t .
    I survived 17 years of physical,emotional and psychological abuse.
    I became a kind and generous person.
    I believe in God because I need the objective reality.
    I believe in God because I need the astonishment and agency.
    I don’t know if it’s a question of whether or not God loves me.
    It seems to be a question of wanting God to love me.
    It seems to be a question of me loving God.

  2. I also lost my belief God loves us. It was back when I was 11 or 12. There were many things that contributed to the realization, but foremost was the way I and some others like me were being treated.

    • I’m so sorry for all that happened to you as a child. No child should ever be abused and/or neglected.
      I understand why people can feel angry, hurt, rejected, unloved by God.
      And I think it feels for many, like another betrayal, abandonment, rejection, by someone who is meant to love and protect us.
      I’m having a huge crisis of faith and I understand why others do.
      It’s so painful.
      I wish no-one had to feel any of this.

  3. Well when you put the rubber to the road, monotheistic deity forms like Jehova are inherently abusive and contradictory. Have you ever seen a female pope? I sure haven’t, and that is because monotheistic religions are completely imbalanced.

    Look at how Jehova treated Job – a devout follower who literally lived by the Lord’s word and nothing else. Satan was present, although he simply suggested that Jehovah test the man’s will and obedience. Test of faith?

    Nah – more like a toxic parent who felt the need to bolster his parental ego. A loving parent would never expose their child to such senseless pain and suffering. Jesus and Mary are legit, but Jehovah is a dick.

    Religion and spirituality are not the same because one can develop a relationship with the universe without attaching dogma to their beliefs and adopted lifestyle.

    Many blessings, sorry to see you mired in pain. I sincerely hope you find peace because no being of sentience should be denied the opportunity to enjoy the life it was given.

  4. I don’t believe in a god that let’s all this bad shit happen. He doesn’t love some of us enough to save us i know that. Even after the good things we do for others he does not take away any of the pain of these poor people that don’t deserve it. Xo

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