Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Church this morning, was interesting…


I am definitely having a ‘crisis of faith’, as some would call it. Which is why I wrote my last post.

We’ve been attending a new church for the last couple of months. It’s been okay, nothing bad/weird has happened. The people seem nice and they leave me alone. Which is good, because my social anxiety issues are at an all time high, and my views about church people and how many handle issues involving abuse/abusers/victims of abuse/children’s safety – very badly – is continually on my mind. And I had decided to take this very slowly. Because church is not a safe place, for me.

In the time we have been going, I’ve been relieved to just have a few polite conversations here and there. And I’ve intentionally made no effort to get to know anyone. I’ve been happy to be left alone. And happy the children’s ministry is where I can see them. So they are not out of my sight.

Today, a woman I have spoken to a few times about youth club ministry, made a point of coming and sitting down and talking to me before the service started. She hasn’t done that before. And at the end of the service, the minister asked me twice, if I was okay. And I can tell she was concerned. As if she knew I am not okay. She hasn’t asked me before if I am okay. She also said she had sent me an email inviting me to an evening home group that is starting this week and also to a day time/weekday Bible study she is running soon.

It’s probably pure coincidence that suddenly people are talking to me and kindly offering to invite me to join in. I do see they are being friendly, welcoming and inviting me to get to know them. And I appreciate it.

But, it is interesting this has happened right at the point when I am stating I don’t believe God loves me and having this ‘faith crisis’.

Is it just coincidence, probably. But, who knows….

Am I going to go to these home group/Bible study groups…. Well part of me is saying absolutely not….church people, are the last thing I need right now.  And another part of me is saying yes I should and I should not dismiss people that I don’t even know…. based upon the actions of other church people. So even though I would like to avoid potential issues completely….. another part of me knows it’s not rational.

And I also have a need within me, as a parent, to know to seek other people my children will get to know. This is due to us not having any family where we live and I know my children are missing out. Not that I want people to be ‘family’ – because they are not. I gave up on that need in me to seek ‘family’ some time back. But, I have that need for other people, to be the closest thing my children will have to family. I’ve read that children need extended family, so they know people other than their parents, care about them. I do feel I am failing my children, by not having other people in my children’s lives. And when I see my 6 year old, sat talking with the lovely older lady who does the children’s ministry, I always get that feeling of seeing people like her, as the closest thing my son has to a grandmother type figure. And I get emotional when I see this. I know it’s what they need.

And if anything will motivate me to do what I am not comfortable with for myself ….. it will be my children’s needs. And my children’s needs, are greater than my needs.

So now I have to decide whether to give this home group and Bible study a chance. Or not.




Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Church this morning, was interesting…

  1. I am so happy to read this post today! I have been praying for you and I know God is listening to all our prayers, I personally do not think this is a coincidence at all but exactly how God reaches out to us through other loving,spiritual individuals. Something very similar has happened to me not all that long ago. I too had felt like God couldn’t love me and I just couldn’t understand all the suffering I had been going through, and I really had a spiritual crisis and war going on in my mind for quite some time! I knew I had always been a loving soul and felt like I was just being tortured because of that! No matter what though,God has continuously reminded me that he loves me and when I hit the bottom time and time again his strength helped me to pick myself up and start again instead of the alternative of just giving up on everything and everyone.
    I agree with you also on the love of our children being the catalyst in us overcoming our deepest fears and anxiety and I thank God everyday for blessing me with the wonderful children he has, even though at times I felt I didn’t deserve being their mother. I no longer feel that way and actually God reminds me daily that he dwells within me too and I do belong to a church now for the first time in my adult life, but I know now to follow God’s ques on this and my own intuition if something doesn’t feel right there I know I could walk away and be at total peace with my decision. My kids really enjoy going and interacting other loving people and I do get a sense of peace when I see them with the elderly people and I feel like for us, that is God replacing all the negative family members we have removed from our lives, with the loving ones we have met there. I realize you can never get back what you never really had, but for me it is just a blessing to allow my kids to be around healthy,loving, spiritual adults, so at least they know they do exist. Every time I look at my kids I am reminded that God loves me and he has total faith in me to be the best mom to these precious gifts he entrusted me with and for me that is the greatest feeling in the world and totally outweighs any pain, trauma, and suffering I have been through!! I will keep praying for you and your healing!! Your strength and honesty really have touched me and helped me on my own personal journey of my healing! God bless you!!

    • Thank you so much for your very kind and thoughtful message, I really appreciate it ❤

      I am struggling with my faith and it is helpful to know others struggle with this too and come through it. I don't think it is purely coincidence that I have people reaching out to me, including people at church. I hope it is God, helping me to have good people in my life. I think I have that spark of hope we need to have, when things are really bad.

      I am so thankful and glad you have come through struggling with your faith and you have good people around you and your children. And a church where you feel you are safe and you belong.

      Thank you again, thank you for your prayers. Your message has really helped.

      ❤ ❤

  2. Your very welcome and I thank you for sharing your personal journey and struggles here because your story has really helped me just when I needed it most! Most people don’t understand the depth of suffering people like us have been through and even less people share their stories to help others like you have! Your a wonderful spiritual being and you show the world your courage everyday, especially through sharing your journey! I hope you get the healing you need and deserve and I will continue to pray for this for you as well!! God bless you!! 🙂