I am definitely having a ‘crisis of faith’, as some would call it. Which is why I wrote my last post.
We’ve been attending a new church for the last couple of months. It’s been okay, nothing bad/weird has happened. The people seem nice and they leave me alone. Which is good, because my social anxiety issues are at an all time high, and my views about church people and how many handle issues involving abuse/abusers/victims of abuse/children’s safety – very badly – is continually on my mind. And I had decided to take this very slowly. Because church is not a safe place, for me.
In the time we have been going, I’ve been relieved to just have a few polite conversations here and there. And I’ve intentionally made no effort to get to know anyone. I’ve been happy to be left alone. And happy the children’s ministry is where I can see them. So they are not out of my sight.
Today, a woman I have spoken to a few times about youth club ministry, made a point of coming and sitting down and talking to me before the service started. She hasn’t done that before. And at the end of the service, the minister asked me twice, if I was okay. And I can tell she was concerned. As if she knew I am not okay. She hasn’t asked me before if I am okay. She also said she had sent me an email inviting me to an evening home group that is starting this week and also to a day time/weekday Bible study she is running soon.
It’s probably pure coincidence that suddenly people are talking to me and kindly offering to invite me to join in. I do see they are being friendly, welcoming and inviting me to get to know them. And I appreciate it.
But, it is interesting this has happened right at the point when I am stating I don’t believe God loves me and having this ‘faith crisis’.
Is it just coincidence, probably. But, who knows….
Am I going to go to these home group/Bible study groups…. Well part of me is saying absolutely not….church people, are the last thing I need right now. And another part of me is saying yes I should and I should not dismiss people that I don’t even know…. based upon the actions of other church people. So even though I would like to avoid potential issues completely….. another part of me knows it’s not rational.
And I also have a need within me, as a parent, to know to seek other people my children will get to know. This is due to us not having any family where we live and I know my children are missing out. Not that I want people to be ‘family’ – because they are not. I gave up on that need in me to seek ‘family’ some time back. But, I have that need for other people, to be the closest thing my children will have to family. I’ve read that children need extended family, so they know people other than their parents, care about them. I do feel I am failing my children, by not having other people in my children’s lives. And when I see my 6 year old, sat talking with the lovely older lady who does the children’s ministry, I always get that feeling of seeing people like her, as the closest thing my son has to a grandmother type figure. And I get emotional when I see this. I know it’s what they need.
And if anything will motivate me to do what I am not comfortable with for myself ….. it will be my children’s needs. And my children’s needs, are greater than my needs.
So now I have to decide whether to give this home group and Bible study a chance. Or not.