I wrote a blog yesterday, about how I am not defined by all the abusers have done to me, I am defined by my courage to survive it all, to overcome it all and be a good person.
I struggle to allow myself anger. I suppress it. And I feel a lot of confusion and fear, when I feel anger. Yet, I know anger is a very needed, appropriate and normal emotion, after abuse and trauma. Especially the severity of trauma I have endured.
This came up in counselling last week, were I tried to explain I know I have anger within me. And I can’t cope with it, so I just suppress it.
This week in counselling, While explaining this processing I have been doing, I tentatively said, the success of this blog, my website and all the amazing feedback I get – is kind of a big middle finger, to all those who harmed me.
I said this tentatively, because I am conflicted as to whether giving all the abusers the middle finger, is appropriate and okay. I realise I was apprehensive, as to whether my counsellor would feel this was wrong. Whether this would make me a ‘bad’ person.
Her response, was very encouraging of me writing about this anger I feel and indeed, putting a pic of a middle finger, to all those who harmed me, mistreated me, abused me and treated me as a worthless person. And how this is okay to do on my blog.
So, here it is… to every person who harmed me. Fuck you.
What you did was never okay, never justified, never deserved. Not one single second of it. If it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else.
What you all made choices to do ….. everything you said, everything you did, every lie, every abusive action, every abusive word, every part of the suffering you made me endure ……. was all a reflection of you and your darkness inside.
It was never about who I am.
And I know I always deserved to be treated with respect, dignity, caring, compassion, honesty and love.