What I know I will never recover from.

I’ve endured a lot of trauma. Decades of it. Many different abusers…. paedophiles, psychopaths, narcissists. They all caused enough damage.

But, the worst and the one I cannot handle at all……is my mother being complicit in the sexual abuse I endured. She knew. She sent me to the paedophile. She knew what her husband was and their friends were. She knew it all.

My mother basically set me up to be sexually abused by their paedophile friend. I was 8 years old. It went on for years. And made me suffer many different types of vile abuse, that were so abhorrently cruel and caused deep suffering. She didn’t care, at all.

And regardless of the correct psychological terminology for what she is…….. she is a sick, vile, abhorrent person. She was never a mother. Every day, there was abuse and neglect occurring. To severe levels. My whole childhood.

All the other abuse I have endured, is because of her. None of the other abuse would have occurred, if she had been a normal, decent mother.

I would have had a normal life, if it weren’t for her. I would have had a normal childhood. I should have had a normal childhood. I deserved to have a normal childhood.

And I can’t even talk about this in counselling, because I don’t want to hear opinions, excuses and the hurt that causes. People’s opinions, and their ‘right to express that’, are often more important than empathy.

It’s a good thing counselling has changed to ‘art therapy’. I can avoid all the worst stuff.

Tim Minchin’s sick cardinal song is overnight hit.

Glad to see this has gone viral http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2016/s4408387.htm

I’m adding this article, as it is so well written.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/feb/17/when-i-first-heard-tim-minchins-song-about-cardinal-pell-i-laughed-then-i-started-crying?CMP=soc_567

 

I have to generally stay away from all that is going on at the Royal Commission. Not because I don’t want to support all the survivors of abuse….. but because it upsets me so much. And being an empathic person, my mind goes immediately to putting myself in their shoes and feeling all the pain and suffering, they endure.

The other reason I have to stay away….. is the amount of abuse caused by church people – really makes me angry. Especially when I see it being condoned, enabled and paedophiles and sex offenders are protected. And their abhorrent abuse – minimized and excused by church people. And knowing all their pathetic attitudes that constantly fail to protect children. Across all denominations.

It is more than I can handle emotionally. And this is due to being a paedophile survivor and someone who has been abused by church people. So it triggers a lot of my own suffering and causes visual and emotional flashbacks, that cause more suffering.

And I already feel any church is an unsafe place. So reading constantly about the absolute failures and pathetic attitudes some church people have regarding child sexual abuse and any abuse in church….. fuels my lack of trust in church people in general.

I do guilty avoiding the Royal Commission. I feel like I am letting survivors down,

Gardening, soothes my soul :)

Spent a few hours out in the garden today. Gardening soothes my soul. Reminds me of all the beauty around me and keeps me mindful of the here and now. It is a part of my healing journey.

I love taking pics in the same spots, showing the plants growing over time.

And then jumping in the pool, to cool off after being in this Aussie summer sun 🙂

A song that reminds me of my 20’s.

 

I discussed this song at counselling yesterday, and it’s significance to me. It reflects my 20’s.

I always knew there was more. Even though I had no idea what it was.

My entire 20’s was about suppressing the pain caused by the first 20 years of my life.

Lana Del Rey is not politically correct and the feminists don’t like her. But,