I’ve endured a lot of trauma. Decades of it. Many different abusers…. paedophiles, psychopaths, narcissists. They all caused enough damage.
But, the worst and the one I cannot handle at all……is my mother being complicit in the sexual abuse I endured. She knew. She sent me to the paedophile. She knew what her husband was and their friends were. She knew it all.
My mother basically set me up to be sexually abused by their paedophile friend. I was 8 years old. It went on for years. And made me suffer many different types of vile abuse, that were so abhorrently cruel and caused deep suffering. She didn’t care, at all.
And regardless of the correct psychological terminology for what she is…….. she is a sick, vile, abhorrent person. She was never a mother. Every day, there was abuse and neglect occurring. To severe levels. My whole childhood.
All the other abuse I have endured, is because of her. None of the other abuse would have occurred, if she had been a normal, decent mother.
I would have had a normal life, if it weren’t for her. I would have had a normal childhood. I should have had a normal childhood. I deserved to have a normal childhood.
And I can’t even talk about this in counselling, because I don’t want to hear opinions, excuses and the hurt that causes. People’s opinions, and their ‘right to express that’, are often more important than empathy.
It’s a good thing counselling has changed to ‘art therapy’. I can avoid all the worst stuff. I can avoid being hurt further, about the most painful things. I can avoid feeling like I’m not good enough…. like I’ve endured all my life.
I’d rather avoid the worst stuff. And I will have to keep avoiding it. I cannot have a complete breakdown. I have children to parent.
And it hurts too much.
This was my own mother.
I was a child.
I will never be okay about what she did.
I will never be okay with the decades of suffering I endured, because of her.
I will never be okay with my entire childhood being stolen, because of her.
It will never be okay.
And here on my blog, is the only place I can say this. It’s the only safe place, to say this.