Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

What I know I will never recover from.


I’ve endured a lot of trauma. Decades of it. Many different abusers…. paedophiles, psychopaths, narcissists. They all caused enough damage.

But, the worst and the one I cannot handle at all……is my mother being complicit in the sexual abuse I endured. She knew. She sent me to the paedophile. She knew what her husband was and their friends were. She knew it all.

My mother basically set me up to be sexually abused by their paedophile friend. I was 8 years old. It went on for years. And made me suffer many different types of vile abuse, that were so abhorrently cruel and caused deep suffering. She didn’t care, at all.

And regardless of the correct psychological terminology for what she is…….. she is a sick, vile, abhorrent person. She was never a mother. Every day, there was abuse and neglect occurring. To severe levels. My whole childhood.

All the other abuse I have endured, is because of her. None of the other abuse would have occurred, if she had been a normal, decent mother.

I would have had a normal life, if it weren’t for her. I would have had a normal childhood. I should have had a normal childhood. I deserved to have a normal childhood.

And I can’t even talk about this in counselling, because I don’t want to hear opinions, excuses and the hurt that causes. People’s opinions, and their ‘right to express that’, are often more important than empathy.

It’s a good thing counselling has changed to ‘art therapy’. I can avoid all the worst stuff. I can avoid being hurt further, about the most painful things. I can avoid feeling like I’m not good enough…. like I’ve endured all my life.

I’d rather avoid the worst stuff. And I will have to keep avoiding it. I cannot have a complete breakdown. I have children to parent.

And it hurts too much.

This was my own mother.

I was a child.

I will never be okay about what she did.

I will never be okay with the decades of suffering I endured, because of her.

I will never be okay with my entire childhood being stolen, because of her.

It will never be okay.

And here on my blog, is the only place I can say this. It’s the only safe place, to say this.





Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “What I know I will never recover from.

  1. You probably need to find a new counselor if they’re judging you for venting…

    Counseling should aim to facilitate a secure and comforting environment for one to openly discuss their issues without feeling as though they’ll be sized up in the process.

    Just because someone has a license doesn’t mean they’re qualified to offer therapy…

    Many Blessings

    • Thank you for your message. I appreciate it.

      I have accepted people have different opinions to mine and people have their own reasons for needing those opinions.

      I personally think counsellors should not deal with both abusers and victims of abuse. And I see how counsellors who deal with abusers become desensitized to the horror of abuse and what abusers do. It’s how they manage dealing with abusers. The way they need to cope with providing therapy for highly abusive people, numbs their capacity for empathy for the victims and their suffering.

      I just continue living the truth of my life and what I know as a result of all my huge experiences of abuse and abusive people.

      I am learning to not need any validation of my truth.

      Lilly ❤

  2. I agree with Benevolent Son above on trying to find a new counselor, you need to be able to feel understood, acceptance, and empathy from someone you open up to on something so deeply painful for you. In my opinion if you feel that hesitation and conflicted in being able to do so, that is a red flag that this person is not the right person for you. I do understand how hard it is to start over somewhere new and to have to start all over again, but in the end I feel it would be very beneficial in your healing. I am not in anyway saying this counselor is bad, but just not right for you and I have gone through numerous counselors myself, so I do understand how it feels to not feel supported and or understood.
    I also agree that when it comes to healing from things our “mothers” did or didn’t do in our childhood abuse, it is probably the most painful of all the abuse. Every since I became a mother, this became an even harder part of healing for me. I just try to be thankful everyday that I could never be that type of mother to my own children, but I still feel the pain of not being truly loved by my own mother. I have accepted that I was just a pawn in her game to get whatever she wanted at my expense, however I do know this women was and is the one that has a mental disorder and it was never my fault. I have worked years on forgiveness of what she has done and what she has taken from me, but I could never forget that no matter how hard I try. It is part of who I am now and a part I will never have back.
    I am more empathetic to others in this type of family dysfunction because of it, and I have always felt compelled to help any victim or underdog, because I know how it feels to not feel loved,protected, and/or wanted by your own parent. I pray about this everyday and have finally let go of the fact I will never have the mother I deserved and that I think most people do have, but I have also discovered there are more people in similar situations than I once thought. Just keep your faith in God and keep praying for your healing because truly this has been the only thing that has helped me in my own healing journey, I will keep praying for you as well. God bless!

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