Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I wish I had never survived my first suicide attempt.


I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to live with the reality of my life – both what happened in the past and my life now.

can't do this anymore

My reality is, I don’t have what I need to heal. I don’t have a caring supportive partner. I don’t have people in my life who care about me. I don’t have counselling where I feel safe to talk. I am very aware complex trauma is only healed by having safe, trusting relationships. And I don’t have that.

I give up. I accept this is it. I accept that I will wake up every morning, wishing I hadn’t woken up and having to force myself to live, for my children. I accept my reality and I accept I hate it.

I wish I had done a better job, when I was a teenager. The only decent thing my mother ever did, was take me to the hospital when I tried to overdose. And I wish she hadn’t.




Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

9 thoughts on “I wish I had never survived my first suicide attempt.

  1. I am so sorry. I wish I could help.

  2. Please know that your readers care – I know that doesn’t help you directly, but knowing that others feel similarly may help you from feeling like you’re totally alone. We can’t expect partners to truly empathize because they have had different life experiences. I joined a meetup group (I’m in the U.S.) – Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse (and there’s a spin-off called Adult Children of Narcissistic Abuse). Finally I felt validated and understood with people whose stories were variations of mine. Friends and other support groups didn’t help (although they meant well), but this support group has been valuable. There are so many of us out there. There is a meetup group in Melbourne but I don’t know if you live near there. Perhaps you can start one in your area.

  3. holy cow don’t say that. I started getting better once I found your blog !!!! I think you thyroid is off !!! armour thyroid has t3 and t4 – which our brain needs. you are just at that age when thyroid issues occur. My depression improved a lot once I started on the Lowest dose of armour. 30 mg. been on it for 8 years. helps memory and anxiety also.

  4. Many people have days and months like this especially if they have been through a lot of trauma so be kind to yourself–you are valuable and you deserve to be free from this pain.

    Also please realize you are not alone. At the same time, you DO have what it takes–you can start over and reframe again. Many of us have been there and reframed over and over. When I feel down, I make a list of all the things I like about being alive–sunshine on my skin, the breeze in my face, a hot mocha, a pet that loves unconditionally, the joy of laughing and writing and feeling you can express yourself.

    This might not help you, but I love to do a random act of kindness when I am sad because it shakes up my endorphins and gives me a dopomine rush. This Simon Sinek video gave me lots to think about how to get good hormones and feel better on bad days. Just throwing it out there in case it helps someone else. https://youtu.be/ReRcHdeUG9Y

  5. I care but have nothing to offer but the fact that I care. Sometimes I think of negative thoughts as “brain weeds” and I visualize pulling them up and discarding them quickly before they take root.
    I am sending you restful and healing vibes. You sound exhausted and I hope you can get some rest. ❤ ❤ ❤

  6. I agree with Savannah-your readers do care about you and I am so blessed that I have found you and your blog and all the helpful insight you have given me. It has been a life savor for me in dealing with my own recovery of Narcissistic abuse, especially having a mother that was the abuser. Not too many people know how to be supportive because its generally such a taboo situation. I hope to find my own support group in my area of the U.S. because I know this would help me a great deal, however your blog has always been a huge reprieve for me. Please keep fighting, you deserve peace, love, and happiness in your life and I have faith you will find it. Many prayers and God bless you!

  7. Thank you all so much for your kindness and supportive messages, I do really appreciate you all ❤ ❤

    I am really struggling. But, I will get through it, for my children.

  8. I feel the same way …stuck in Hell

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