Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The grenade, my counsellor decided to throw in…


I went to counselling today. I shouldn’t have gone. But, I did.

The whole ‘mental illness is the dark side’ issue was discussed. She gave an explanation that I don’t trust to be the truth. I think she believes I am demonic, she just doesn’t say that to me, because counsellors probably aren’t allowed to say that.

I know I’m not demonic and I don’t give a fuck what she thinks of me anymore. I’m aware how abusive church people can be.

But, it was interesting what she decided to raise…… when she knew I was already really upset and struggling. And I had told her I was having suicide ideation.

She decided to tell me paedophiles can love their own children – in the context of ‘bad people do good’. This was her choice, to defend paedophiles. Wow. It was like a grenade she threw in, just to finish me off.

She knew this would be a  huge trigger and would be way too upsetting to discuss, when I’m already in a highly emotional state.

I think she did it intentionally, to upset and trigger me.

No-one is that stupid, to raise that conversation at a time when a victim of paedophile abuse – is already struggling and suicidal. She knows the reaction that would create.

Maybe she just wants to push me over the edge. Maybe she was pissed off at me challenging her and she wanted her revenge.

But, whatever her intentions, she got the reaction she wanted. I got really upset and ran out of her room crying. I nearly crashed my car on the way home, and had to keep telling myself I cannot end my life, because my children need me.

I had to phone my husband to come home, and leave a police operation he was on, because I was so distraught.

It’s been a horrendous day.




Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “The grenade, my counsellor decided to throw in…

  1. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been having intense suicidal thoughts for months now and the only thing keeping me alive is my daughter. My husband is not really empathic either, he comes from a narcissistic household like me and is quite angry and resentful about many things in life which makes it really hard to keep calm for a full 24hrs.

    It seems to me that you should stop seeing this counselor, even if she innocently tried to push you out of your comfort zone you are not on the same page. If she truly believes that bad people do good because they mean good, she is somewhat delusional. Bad people do good because it serves their agenda. Because a child molester does nice things for his/her children, that doesn’t mean they do it out of love. They do it to support their false image of being normal and capable of loving, or to elevate themselves, or to plant guilt later but not because they have tender feelings…That’s bullshit! And if any of those has ever managed to persuade her of the opposite then she fell for a master manipulator, that’s all. So in this case she wouldn’t be the person to guide you. If she did it because you confronted her, she is not fit to support you either.

    In a few months I will move to Australia with my family. This is added stress but I hope I’ll manage. Everyone says it’s really nice over there, completely different than what we are used to. Is that true?

  2. have you asked yourself why you keep going back to her? with everything you know YOU could be a counselor . good grief