Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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‘Never Let Me Go’.

This song resonates me, with how I feel when life becomes too hard.

I think about death, every day. I have suicide ideation, more frequently than I admit to anyone. Since being a teenager and trying to end my life for the first time, I have considered death whenever I am overwhelmed.

‘It’s the only way I can escape’.

‘And it’s over, and I’m going under, but I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in’.

 


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I don’t know if it is a gift or a curse, to have discernment. And a conscience.

I learned discernment young. I needed to – to survive so much ongoing daily abuse, from highly abusive people, who were all around me.

Hypervigilance, can be very accurate discernment.

It’s interesting how many people failed to work out a sociopath, who has now been proven to have been faking PTSD, terminal cancer, eating disorders, being in combat, being in the SAS…. and who is a highly abusive man.

I worked him out fast. Yet 1000’s of people didn’t. Even his own admins, after I told them, didn’t see it, until he started abusing them. They ignored my warning and joined in with his cyber abuse. His own NFP PTSD org workers, didn’t see it. His own partners didn’t see it, until the relationship ended.

Yet, I picked up on it very quickly. Within weeks of seeing his PTSD Facebook page, I knew he was a fraud.

It’s this way with other people too. I detect narcissists, sociopaths etc, quickly. Because I grew up with them. I know their traits and how to be vigilant about the red flags.

I also hate seeing people conned and lied to by them. My conscience does not let me just ignore the abuse others are and will be enduring. I am aware people ignored the abuse I have endured, and failed to help me. I have always vowed never to be like them. But, instead be a person of compassion, have empathy for current and future victims. Speak up with courage and help people. Not ignore them. Like I was ignored by all the people who failed me.

So, I speak up. As I have done for over 2 years with he PTSD/cancer etc fraud.

As I did with the narcissist pastor and wife.

I feel guilty if I don’t warn people. I worry about the lies and fraud they are being subjected to. It plays on my mind.

Recently, coming to detect 2 narcissists, I have not spoken up to all those being affected. Because I know it will be ignored. I don’t know the people well enough to speak up. But, I still worry in the back on mind, about the lies people are swallowing. How they are being used for the narcissists own needs.

But, I do realise not every situation where a narcissist, is manipulating people and lying to them, is my responsibility to deal with. Some people have to figure it out by themselves. Sadly. Continue reading


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Many more people are contacting me about Simon Buckden

Since the last court hearing (22nd Feb 2106), where Buckden admitted guilt to lying about cancer & PTSD – but with the new excuse of Munchausens, many more people have contacted me.

Sadly, many people have been duped by him. He is a convincing liar. People have confided in me about the abuse and threats they have endured from him.

I’m glad the truth is now coming out. Especially as I have known for over 2 years, exactly what he is. I am hoping there will be no more victims. Continue reading


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Don’t insult my intelligence, about abusers.

I was at my ladies group this week and a local coffee place. At the next table to us, were a group of special needs adults and some carers. It was lovely seeing them and how they were being treated just like anyone else, and enjoying their drinks and food.

Some of the special needs adults, had behaviours that would not be considered normal. One kept making loud noises, one kept hugging the person he was next to, and some of the others were having non ordinary behaviours.

As I was watching them, I thought some of them are possibly intellectually impaired and just did not understand their behaviour were socially unacceptable and not ‘normal’. I realised these adults, could be capable of other behaviours they would not necessarily understand were wrong and possibly not understand the consequences of their behaviours.

Which also made me think about abusive people who do intentionally harm others, and they know exactly what they are doing. Like narcissists,      sociopaths,  psychopaths,  paedophiles,  sex offenders,  rapists etc.  Their ‘mental health/illness’ does NOT render them incapable of understanding whether their actions are wrong/harmful. They do know, they just don’t care. It’s why they are manipulative, sly, do things behind closed doors. It’s why they lie and deny. It’s absolutely intentional.

There is a big difference between someone who is genuinely incapable of knowing whether their actions are wrong, and someone who does know.

Someone who is intellectually impaired, and has development issues in many areas…. is very different to a manipulative, lying, devious, narcissist. Very different to a paedophile, or sex offender. Very different to a sociopath or psychopath.

And all of these highly abusive types of people are absolutely consciously choosing to hurt people, lie to people. They are not insane. They are 100% responsible and accountable for their intentional and deliberate actions that harm others.

Which is why it really pisses me off, when people say ‘oh they can’t help being a narcissist, or paedophile (etc) – it’s their mental illness’. Total bullshit.

And it pisses me off and insults my intelligence, to suggest they cannot help it.

It pisses me off when their abusive actions, are minimized and the victims invalidated as a result.

It pisses me off when people then demand victims see it  as ‘mental illness they cannot help’.

It is a huge insult to the victims of these highly abusive people.

It is huge insult to the victims, to deny these abusive people knew they were doing wrong. Continue reading


My garden soothes my soul

I love seeing my gardens grow. I started off with a blank canvas, as there were very few plants in the gardens. It was pretty much grass and very little else.

Now, my gardens are blooming with beautiful plants and flowers.

I love my flowering arch and my beautiful geraniums cascading down on my little fairy garden deck.

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Flowering Archway

 

DSC_1077DSC_1078DSC_1082DSC_1084DSC_1092 Continue reading


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I’m not going to church anymore.

I know I am not strong at the moment. I know I am struggling and I need to avoid triggers, attitudes I can’t cope with, people who are abusive – even if unintentionally. So, avoiding church people is a matter of self care.

I cannot handle the general church attitude towards abuse, abusers, forgiveness or the pathetic way they often deal with abusers. I can’t handle the victim shaming, the shame shifting, the victim blaming.

Church people can be the most abusive people of all. And they add spiritual abuse on top of the emotional, mental and psychological abuse. Many don’t realise this is what they are doing, but the consequences of what they do are exactly the same, regardless of intentionality.

I’m aware with the Royal Commission dealing with the alleged paedophile & paedophile protector – Cardinal Pell, talk about this in church is likely. It was brought up the last time I was at church. I don’t want to hear church people’s views on paedophiles, or how they should be dealt with. And I definitely do not want to hear how the victims should just ‘forgive’ the paedophiles and if they don’t, they are the bad people. Which is shame shifting. Continue reading