Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t know if it is a gift or a curse, to have discernment. And a conscience.


I learned discernment young. I needed to – to survive so much ongoing daily abuse, from highly abusive people, who were all around me.

Hypervigilance, can be very accurate discernment.

It’s interesting how many people failed to work out a sociopath, who has now been proven to have been faking PTSD, terminal cancer, eating disorders, being in combat, being in the SAS…. and who is a highly abusive man.

I worked him out fast. Yet 1000’s of people didn’t. Even his own admins, after I told them, didn’t see it, until he started abusing them. They ignored my warning and joined in with his cyber abuse. His own NFP PTSD org workers, didn’t see it. His own partners didn’t see it, until the relationship ended.

Yet, I picked up on it very quickly. Within weeks of seeing his PTSD Facebook page, I knew he was a fraud.

It’s this way with other people too. I detect narcissists, sociopaths etc, quickly. Because I grew up with them. I know their traits and how to be vigilant about the red flags.

I also hate seeing people conned and lied to by them. My conscience does not let me just ignore the abuse others are and will be enduring. I am aware people ignored the abuse I have endured, and failed to help me. I have always vowed never to be like them. But, instead be a person of compassion, have empathy for current and future victims. Speak up with courage and help people. Not ignore them. Like I was ignored by all the people who failed me.

So, I speak up. As I have done for over 2 years with he PTSD/cancer etc fraud.

As I did with the narcissist pastor and wife.

I feel guilty if I don’t warn people. I worry about the lies and fraud they are being subjected to. It plays on my mind.

Recently, coming to detect 2 narcissists, I have not spoken up to all those being affected. Because I know it will be ignored. I don’t know the people well enough to speak up. But, I still worry in the back on mind, about the lies people are swallowing. How they are being used for the narcissists own needs.

But, I do realise not every situation where a narcissist, is manipulating people and lying to them, is my responsibility to deal with. Some people have to figure it out by themselves. Sadly.

I just hope they don’t get hurt.

So, it does feel like a curse sometimes, to have a deep conscience, a need to protect people, integrity and a deeper than average discernment capacity.

It isn’t fun, it always leads to some level of being treated badly, for speaking up. And to be rejected for speaking the truth about what others cannot see. I just hope the truth comes out in the end, as it has with the sociopath fraud.

It’s also not fun, to know and see how many of these narcissists and sociopaths are around. And they are in far greater numbers, than is generally realised.



Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

3 thoughts on “I don’t know if it is a gift or a curse, to have discernment. And a conscience.

  1. I have read your blog for a while, I haven’t posted for a while to anyone, not even on my own blog. I empathize with you on so many levels, I am so sorry the pain you experience from abuse committed against you. ..and how it hurts you more and more daily….when you see it happening to others because of your life experiences …

    I am one who hurts so much with others yet, unlike you I do let my fears win and don’t speak up…that in itself is torture to my soul. Lily I am sorry I am getting sidetracked. I feel so drawn to you today and in my humanness I fear what you will think of me, yet, I know the truth is that fear us not actual love, that fear is a lie. True love speaks up …I am totally only speaking about me now. I have felt a tug on my heart to speak up to you for quite a while, I guess today us the day I am speaking…
    I emphasize with the abuse you speak about, development was severed in a way, empathy is great in this area, my beginning in life started with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck twice, and a hole in my heart…and recently I remembered horrible abuses of all kinds from my early years… I say this out of empathy for your pain and struggles. I cannot imagine why humans do the unspeakable things that are done to innocent, helpless, dependant beings…all in the name of…. to make themselves feel better…. (I cannot say more about me…it hurts too much…I am raw…and still to this day, have barely cried over it…nor dealt with the hidden anger, yet, I am aware of it and am actively working on it. ..) anyway where s the point….
    Lily I pray that you know you are loved just because you exist. I hear this from my therapist weekly. ..in overt, subvert, and covert ways. I know you are hurting so deeply from the sins of those who ” help” you… I pray you do not give up on love…true Love which is God. I struggle daily to believe I good enough to exist, to know that people willingly hurt others to get ahead, to know, I am not what I was told growing up….to know am more tHan a sexualized being… I am fully knowledgeable of how much spiritual abuse harms a person from the inside out, and truth people…is literally impossible most days. But it is not impossible in God’s grace… I know you have pain, and deep anger toward liars…I know many of the same people… I also believe the only way to heal is to let go…..and let grace in. .. I do not know how to exist without sharing the love I’ve been given by God’s grace… lily I know I cannot do anything to help you heal….I will pray for you, and pray God’s love infiltrates all of you. I pray you find Hope. I pray you find Peace and yes, mainly hope.

    There is a song I want to share with you, I pray I am not saying anything that causes you pain, rather it is a salve to your hurting, broken, battered heart…. this song is only one of many that help me…

    Lily I love you, (hugs).

    PS. I pray you feel love and hope and peace today. Love all of me.

    • I had tears when I first read your message. And I have tears again now, reading it. Thank you for writing this. I appreciate it more than you know.

      I think there is a part of that has given up on love, on humanity, on people having integrity and doing what’s right. So much of my life, has been enduring and witnessing suffering, abuse and harm being carried out by so many toxic people.

      At the moment, I am struggling, so I have put up barriers, to everyone. Even those who say they care or want the best for me. I trust no-one and don’t want to hear anymore opinions that just re-traumatise and harm me more.

      I don’t know if this is just part of the process of healing, or just my only way of coping atm.

      I’m overwhelmed by everything I see, hear and feel.

      I am so thankful for your prayers, as peace is something that I never feel for more than a very short time. It alludes me as to lasting in any healing way.

      You have described me well as having a ‘hurting, broken and battered heart’.

      Thank you as well for the link to the song. I’m a little fearful of listening to it, as I’m trying to avoid anything that will make me fall apart. But, I will listen to it when I feel able to.

      Thank you again. Much love to you. Lilly❤❤

      • Lilly sorry if I spelled your name wrong earlier. I have been praying all day especially for you. I think love has no bounds and, pain is part of healing I think. It hurts like hell…knowing I cannot change anything that happens or happened and all I can so is just trust. I love the artist Plumb. She has a song. Called cut. She is a Christian that song is so controversial to most Christians. ..or those who live by the law. The thing about a true Christian and a law follower Christian is Love. However I am not writing to sell anything I am writing to share love and hope. Overwhelmed one thing I have learned from my therapist whom I trust that is truly a God send to me. That isn’t my point, and I wanted to say I am sorry of I am confusing in how I speak, I am a survivor childhood atrocities also, and one of the things I did was dissociate to survive. .that was only said to apologize ahead of time for when I get off track. I am avoiding getting to the point and I am not sure why. I will say I am so proud of you for continuing to reach out even when it hurts. For doing things for your self care…your garden is beautiful. Oh one thing my MC (mentoring counselor) says to me is when my brain feels overwhelmed with feelings….if it is possible stop and try to listen and figure out where it stems from. Oh that is so hard to do, yet when we are overwhelmed our brain is so flooded with cortisol and serotonin that we can’t do anything emotionally it is so flooded …so it is at these impossible moments we have to try to Stop what we are doing. Turn our mind off from the …emotional turmoil. Align ourselves in the best way we can. Rest our minds and bodies. and Trust our life truly is meaningful and we do have purpose. It seems impossible but when we can let go and do this for ourselves it is so self-healing.
        Lilly I pray you are able to find hope and know what you do, is important and does matter.

        I am so glad you are feeling a little hope right now. Please know I am praying for you and do appreciate you and do love you….I also believe and trust God loves you more than you could ever know.

        You are an amazing woman and I am so glad God led me to your website…. be blessed. Love…all of me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s