I know I am not strong at the moment. I know I am struggling and I need to avoid triggers, attitudes I can’t cope with, people who are abusive – even if unintentionally. So, avoiding church people is a matter of self care.
I cannot handle the general church attitude towards abuse, abusers, forgiveness or the pathetic way they often deal with abusers. I can’t handle the victim shaming, the shame shifting, the victim blaming.
Church people can be the most abusive people of all. And they add spiritual abuse on top of the emotional, mental and psychological abuse. Many don’t realise this is what they are doing, but the consequences of what they do are exactly the same, regardless of intentionality.
I’m aware with the Royal Commission dealing with the alleged paedophile & paedophile protector – Cardinal Pell, talk about this in church is likely. It was brought up the last time I was at church. I don’t want to hear church people’s views on paedophiles, or how they should be dealt with. And I definitely do not want to hear how the victims should just ‘forgive’ the paedophiles and if they don’t, they are the bad people. Which is shame shifting.
Right now, I cannot take any risks with my emotional wellbeing. I realise my resilience levels are low. My emotional state is fragile. And that has to be my priority.
My counsellor nearly pushed my over the edge of no return this week. I don’t think she intended to push me that far, but she did.
I cannot risk feeling that way again. I have children who need me.
I know at the moment, I need to reduce my interactions with people, down to what I can manage and cope with.