Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I’m not going to church anymore.


I know I am not strong at the moment. I know I am struggling and I need to avoid triggers, attitudes I can’t cope with, people who are abusive – even if unintentionally. So, avoiding church people is a matter of self care.

I cannot handle the general church attitude towards abuse, abusers, forgiveness or the pathetic way they often deal with abusers. I can’t handle the victim shaming, the shame shifting, the victim blaming.

Church people can be the most abusive people of all. And they add spiritual abuse on top of the emotional, mental and psychological abuse. Many don’t realise this is what they are doing, but the consequences of what they do are exactly the same, regardless of intentionality.

I’m aware with the Royal Commission dealing with the alleged paedophile & paedophile protector – Cardinal Pell, talk about this in church is likely. It was brought up the last time I was at church. I don’t want to hear church people’s views on paedophiles, or how they should be dealt with. And I definitely do not want to hear how the victims should just ‘forgive’ the paedophiles and if they don’t, they are the bad people. Which is shame shifting.

Right now, I cannot take any risks with my emotional wellbeing. I realise my resilience levels are low. My emotional state is fragile. And that has to be my priority.

My counsellor nearly pushed my over the edge of no return this week. I don’t think she intended to push me that far, but she did.

I cannot risk feeling that way again. I have children who need me.

I know at the moment, I need to reduce my interactions with people, down to what I can manage and cope with.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

14 thoughts on “I’m not going to church anymore.

  1. Sorry you are struggling. Sending you lots of strength! Your website has been an eye-opener to me. I hope everyone who reads it will send you positive thoughts. You give so much; you deserve it!

  2. Its insidious the rhetoric some people go on with. It may sound incredibly egotistical but i dont care, i had to find it within myself to forgive god and at times i speak to that entity in a very brusque manner. I am not afraid to vent my frustrations and what at times seems like futilty with it. In that way i keep mu relationship extremely personal and have learnt that i can defy god and if i can do that im well within my rights to defy others. Remember” ignorance is BLISS”

  3. The self compassion you are showing yourself is so important for not only your own healing and for your children’s lives but for those of us who read your blog, so thankyou for standing up for yourself and showing other survivors how it can be done.

    • Thank you ❤
      It has taken a lot of hard work, to understand what self care & self compassion are. And then even more hard work to start having behaviours that are self care.
      It's a huge learning curve for many of us. Many complex trauma survivors have no idea what self care is, and often have sub conscious self harming behaviours, and that takes time & a lot of self reflection to understand too.
      It's a journey I am still on.
      I just know if I hear one victim shaming attitude or paedophile protecting attitude from church people, I will not be able to cope.
      I know my limits now, when I'm struggling. Which is healing and progress in itself.
      It's my hope all complex trauma survivor learn how to take care of themselves and have much needed self compassion and not feel guilty about it.
      ❤ ❤

  4. I never felt the need to go to church, which doesn’t mean I don’t believe in god. My sly, double-faced malignant narcissistic mother and her gossiping friends were always church regulars so the thought of being around them would just made me feel like I have a gazillion butterflies in my stomach. Same with Sunday school, I tried it a couple of times when I was really young and I could see that there were few girls that were plain mean. Whoever supports cliches such as all children are innocent, all old people are wise and the like needs to land on planet eath stat!

    • It is ad how many church people are toxic and cause a lot of harm. I do not find church a safe place. It seems to be a safe place for abusive people though. I’m sorry your mother was such a destructive, toxic person.
      They believe in very unhealthy attitudes, and that bothers me, because it makes church unsafe.

  5. I think toxic people actually LOVE churh. It is the perfect set up to find victims, nice people that do not have the tendency to think in the twisted way that they do, so they go undetected. And then there’s the gullible that would fall for anything a priest, a narcissist, a con artist would serve them because they just don’t want to think for themselves. School is another safe haven for malignant individuals, they can use and abuse kids to their heart’s content and no one would believe the troubled children that are the recipients of that behavior. This is one of the things that makes me gag at them all the more, they only mess with the vulnerable and the weak. Pathetic losers!

    Thank you for this great blog!

    • Yes, I have blogged before about how churches are the perfect breeding ground for toxic people. Plus, they get to abuse the Bible, to abuse people.
      Too many pastors/ministers, are narcissists/sociopaths. It’s not uncommon.
      Sadly these toxic people exist in many different places/groups and many different careers, where exploiting people, is easier.

  6. So true. Ted Bundy was an honor psychology graduate…

    • Yes he was highly intelligent, as psychopaths often are. Sociopaths are often not intelligent, but have all the same love of exploiting people and gaining pleasure from hurting people.
      Most psychopaths are not serial killers. They are often in CEO’s of companies, lawyers, journalists etc. Positions of power, where people can be exploited with no conscience.

  7. Even though they do not kill with the literary term of the word, they are responsible for a trail of character assassinations. If they believe they can get away with it they might even cross the line and kill someone. My mother kept planting suicidal thoughts in both of her children’s minds throughout our childhood. Carefully premeditated suggestions to rid of us and play the martyr afterwards. When I was 16 she was forced by my school to take me to a child psychiatrist, and then she withheld my medication for depression.

    She turned her mother into a drug addict using our health insurances to get prescription narcotics.

    After researching her past I found out she belonged to a cult when she was pregnant with me. I remember her telling me that she didn’t want to have another child after my brother, and had an abortion after him for which she got in trouble with religion. Then I was born a week overdue, half-dead asphyxiated by my own poo. Turns out her gynecologist belonged in the same cult as her and had conveniently gone on holidays on my due date, advising her over the phone to wait it out.

    There’s no level too low for them. So long as they believe they’ll go undetected, killing someone is always an option.

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