Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I wish society would stop the glorification of ‘positivity’, ‘being busy’ & ‘forgiveness’.


I see a lot of shaming attitudes. People sometimes don’t realise what they are doing, is in fact stoking their own egos, whilst shaming others in the process.

These three – Positivity, Being Busy & Forgiveness – are examples, I see often.

The single minded pursuit of happiness and positivity – often is merely a distraction and avoidance of the issues, that the person doesn’t want to deal with. It is often an endless pursuit many fail to continually achieve, and then feel shame in the process. Because it is not a normal and healthy human state of being continually. It is normal, to have other emotions.

They assume ‘if I just keep being positive’ – in the end that is what I will become. So wrong and irrational, but many are on this mindless pursuit and failing to do what is needed, to achieve inner peace.

I stay away from the positivity/happiness gurus – who claim this is the way we must all be. No matter what we are enduring. I really see how little insight they have into emotions and the necessity for them all. And also don’t realise how un-natural it is to be constantly positive, constantly happy. And I see people chasing this continually and struggling with the failure.

I am not positive all the time, because I am real and genuine and I have normal and needed emotions. And I don’t apologise for that.

I stay away from those who stroke their ego’s by being constantly busy and letting everyone else know about it. It’s totally okay not to be busy all the time and someone’s ‘busyness’ does not increase our worth or value. And in fact, have down time, relaxation time and do nothing. It’s healthy. But, to continually harp on about ‘so busy’, does tend to make people feel really self important (ego).

I also stay away from those who glorify ‘forgiveness’. Forgiveness, is a very challenging and emotional issue and for those who claim you ‘must forgive’ and if you don’t – there is something wrong with you, or imply you can’t heal without their description of forgiveness, is very shaming and harmful to many people’s healing journeys.

People who claim they have forgiven those who have wronged them, and therefore everyone else must/should, are offering really unhealthy advice and at the same time, are stroking their own ego to believe their journey and how it is proceeding is the only journey/only way’. It is absolutely okay, to feel some acts of horrendous suffering imposed on others, are unforgiveable. Yep – unforgiveable. And you can still heal and grow and lead a healthy life, without it. No shaming needed.

I see society glorifying many inappropriate ego needs and I wish they would stop.

I would much prefer to see people not shamed and not pressured – and just be allowed to be real, honest and genuine, and for people  to stop thinking their life, is the way it should be for everyone.

And stop glorifying their own egos in the process.

Sadly, within seconds of this post appearing on Twitter, a religious person made a typically shaming comment about how she has forgiven, as God demands. Right there, was the egocentric ‘morally superior attitude’, with no regard as to how it may affect anyone else. Just ‘me me me’ attitude. Sadly, this is typical of too many church people. It completely reflected everything I tried to explain was wrong about shaming people.

So, this is why I write these blogs, due to all those who choose to openly glorify their beliefs, regardless of the affect on others.

This post has been very well received from many people, including mental health professionals. Which is great – as it helps educate people about this shaming issue.

The more people write about how society shames people, the better.

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

11 thoughts on “I wish society would stop the glorification of ‘positivity’, ‘being busy’ & ‘forgiveness’.

  1. Agree with everything you say. I won’t even consider being forgiving unless there is evidence of real remorse – and maybe not even then, if great hurt and pain continues and / or there is continuing abusive behaviour.

    About 20 years ago I went to some 12-step meetings for abused adults and altho the 12-step programmes want you to “make amends” for past behaviour, it was understood at these meetings that this requirement was not valid in respect of abuser / abused relationships, something like that. I hope this is still the case.

    Around that time I also went to a women’s support group where the facilitator gave us the concept of “murderous rage” which was great. Because, yes, at that time I did have feelings of murderous rage which I wanted to act on, and felt I only held back because I did not want to go to prison or kill myself or get killed. But having a name for my murderous rages was great.

    I am calmer now, but I know I can still stir up those feelings if I expose myself to certain situations and certain people. So since those times I have learned to avoid both as much as possible and to increasingly live a positive life – which includes recognising my pain and my losses – in my own way.

    • It is completely normal and appropriate to have anger and rage about suffering severe abuse. Society often deems anger as ‘wrong’ and ‘shameful’ – especially those with harmful religious beliefs, were immediate forgiveness, and a Zen like state of being, is pushed as the way we should be. It’s all BS.

      We have a range of emotions, for a reason. I have issues with expressing anger, I tend to push it down. But I know anger is appropriate and part of healing and grieving. To not feel all emotions hinders healing.

      Forgiveness, is something I see people shamed about all the time. People feel morally superior if they calm to have forgiven and then that egotistic need within them – wants to tell everyone else that’s what they also must do. Again, it’s all BS.

      We do not ‘have’ to forgive horrific abuse that was caused intentionally to us. We are free to forgive if we choose, and free not to forgive. No-one else gets to tell us what we ‘should’ forgive and no-one else’s opinion of our choice, matters.

  2. I really like this post and the insight you have on these topics. I think what people misunderstand about positivity is the idea that you have to be happy all of the time and think happy thoughts. I am a pretty positive person but sometimes I just want to run a bitch over with my car does that make me bad? No. I think being positive involves more of an understanding of yourself and accepting that if you don’t want to get out of bed at all today then it’s okay and you’re doing the best you can and just actively trying to make the best of things even when it can be hard. I do have to agree that some people take it too far in the ways of ” just get over it” when everybody heals at their own pace in their own way.

    • I agree & I think people who put a ‘constant state of positivity/happiness’ as the holy grail we should all achieve, are just shaming many ‘normal’ people in the process.

      They tend to feel they are ‘better’ than others and in fact, they are often simply avoiding their own issues. And in fact, by demanding everyone else should be in this continual state of positivity/happiness’ just shows the issues I can see they have, they don’t even have the self insight to see.

      • See thats the part that gets on my nerves the ” demanding others” part. I believe in positivity and happiness but as I already stated, a different I guess more complicated version of the mass idea and I can’t stand when anyone shoves their beliefs down someone else’s throats. Everyone heals their own way and nobody has the right answer for everyone. And NOBODY is in that state constantly ! It s about making the most of a bad situation and just trying to stay alive. I hate how people corrupt things!

      • I agree. And I hate to see the shaming that goes on when people spout their beliefs. No empathy for others and what they may be enduring.

        It’s actually very selfish to suggest we should all be a continual state of positivity/happiness or the Zen like state many people believe is healthy.

        It actually encourages people suppress their issues/trauma. It encourages people not to deal with their issues, which is not healthy, at all.

  3. Good Lord, I couldn’t agree with you more. Positive thinking is fine, but it’s been taken way too far by our selfish society and now it’s used to shame and blame-shift onto the vulnerable who can’t seem to get ahead in this crappy world. It’s also a way to not have to take responsibility for anyone but yourself. Unfortunately I’m the child of two narcissist parents who both do this–to their own child! It really sucks.

  4. Modern society’s highest goal of being “happy” and “positive”, actually refers to a happiness that is not authentic or felt deep down. We cannot experience real joy – the joy of feeling that others in this world are truly happy and truly free – the joy of feeling genuinely connected with all other people (and maybe even animals, too – knowing none of them are being abused), and for it to be a reciprocal feeling. In that sense, none of us have really known what it’s like to be 100% happy. (Has anyone, for eons? Native tribes?…) Because this is the ultimate type of happiness.

    When we pass a homeless person and pretend that nothing is wrong, we have to suppress and kill something inside of us each time; something that is naturally concerned and wants to do everything possible to help… and also it wants to scream and cry upon seeing such a monstrosity.

    So we are not truly happy. The happiness that is being shoved down our throats is unnatural and fabricated. Unfortunately so many people are lost and hurting, and out of strength, that they are eager to believe anything.

    Now that I think about it — what if the positivity movement was created with a strategy in mind? Some brilliant but devious folks got together in a secret room, saw that because society was failing and people were becoming miserable, they needed to be pacified. And it has worked. No revolts or revolution…

    • The ‘positivity/happiness’ crowd who like to believe this is a constant state we should all be in, all the time…. to me are people who don’t think deeply and don’t understand the necessity for all emotions. Same with the people who push this ‘Zen like’ state we should all be in.

      I agree the happiness/positivity shoved down our throats is unnatural and fabricated.

      People tend to only understand what they know, from their level of consciousness and reject anything else. They cling to this, because it’s how they cope, so assume everyone else ‘must’ feel the same.

      I am glad to understand beyond that level of consciousness. And to see the consequences of it, that are harmful – like shaming others who are normal and not happy all the time.

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