As I have already blogged, a lot of people define and label me as brave, courageous, honest, insightful etc…. and I receive continual messages, emails etc…. about this.
I realised recently, I have had to survive toxic dangerous people, all through my childhood, including a psychopath, who killed a former girlfriend/victim/prey. By the age of 20, I had survived a considerable amount of severe abuse and trauma. And then survive more abuse and trauma throughout my adulthood.
The results of this, are my capacity for courage, being brave, inner strength, resilience, honesty, insight etc…. are deeper than average. Purely because of my non average life experiences. And not all survivors of severe complex trauma gain a lot of insight. But I have.
We discussed this today in counselling. Until recently, I have been confused as to why people see my capacity for courage, bravery, survival, honesty, insight, as something extraordinary. Something very unusual. Then I realised my normal, is not everyone’s normal. Your average person, does not have the capacity for that level of courage, or honesty, or insight, of depth of thinking. It’s not ‘normal’ for people to be as honest about themselves, as I am. Including when I screw up, and deal with it immediately, honestly, openly, fully, publicly, with no excuses.
So, I am no longer confused. And when I receive these compliments and nice descriptions of myself, I can just accept them for what they are. People are recognising my strengths, and that’s okay.
We also discussed these labels, of ‘brave’, ‘courageous’, ‘honest’, ‘insightful’, ‘thoughtful’, ‘intelligent’, ’empathic’. My counsellor has described me as all these throughout my therapy.
I do accept I have the capacity for all of these. And this has been clearly demonstrated throughout my life and throughout my counselling. And my counsellor is not into labelling people, so I do see that describing me as all these, is definitely something she believes.
We also discussed the amount of support from mental health professionals, I have. And how many have stated they recommend my website and this blog to their clients, and learn from this blog – how to better counsel their clients. So, that speaks volumes, alone.
And the success of this blog, about a relatively new field of psychology – Complex Trauma….is more proof of the insight, the honesty, the capacity to think deeply, the empathy. It’s not like I’m a fashion blogger – talking about nice/popular stuff. I write about severe trauma, severe abuse, toxic abusive people, mental health. Not ‘nice’ topics, at all. And no-one was more surprised than me, as to how successful this blog is.
I think at the moment, I am okay with defining myself as ‘having the capacity’ for all these descriptions. And I do see they have all been demonstrated. For decades. Since being a child. I can see I can be incredibly brave. I can demonstrate great courage. Both over long periods of time. I can be totally honest about myself – good and bad. I can be deeply insightful. I can have deep levels of empathy. I can work out things, deeper than many.
I think due to my issues, with ‘not being good enough’ – due to my mothers abuse, and all the voices of all the toxic people in my life – I still struggle with believing good about myself, deep down. But, that is changing.
And I do see more of what other people see, when they read my work, read my insight etc. I also see, how this is all not average capacity…. in all these strengths.
And I also see, how my counsellor wanting me to work on ‘what I am, what I am not’ – is really challenging me, to process all this.
Which is exactly why she is asking me to focus on all this.
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