When people abuse the ‘don’t shame/judge me’.

The phrases ‘don’t shame me’ and ‘don’t judge me’ – like all things in life, are repeatedly abused by those who do not wish to consider their actions/behaviours as wrong, don’t wish to be accountable for the wrongs/harm they cause and don’t want to go to the effort and courage of changing.

An example is parents who routinely hit their children. And say it is their ‘right’ and will accuse you of ‘parent-shaming’ and ‘judgment’ if you have a viewpoint that hitting children is wrong/assault/domestic violence.

It is absolutely okay and necessary to have wise, sober judgment. And okay to stand up for children’s rights.

I have smacked my children a handful of times, in the past. But, I knew within me, this was wrong. So, I made the choice to learn everything I could about more appropriate ways to manage behaviour. I also in the process learned from reputable child development, child psychology and neuroscience experts…. how hitting children, is harmful.

I made the choice, to accept smacking/hitting children is wrong, and learn a better way to parent.

So, this is what other people could also choose.

It’s not about demanding you feel ‘parent shamed’ or ‘judged’ and being defensive and immature in response.

It’s about doing what’s best for our children, letting go of the ego that cannot cope with being wrong, and choosing to learn and grow.

I see the people demand they have been ‘shamed’ and judged’ about this issue, are simply abusing those phrases, due to their ego issues and failure to want to what’s right and accept we can be wrong and learn. It’s not about saying parents are ‘bad’ for hitting their children (although in too many cases, it is abuse). It’s about the maturity to consider what we can do better.

I’m not shaming anyone when I say I believe hitting children is wrong. It is a very educated, informed understanding. And it’s about empathy. Respect. And treating my children, with same dignity, I want for myself. I don’t want to be hit. So why would I think it’s okay to hit my children? There are other ways to parent and manage behaviour.

‘Accepting compliments’ & a conversation about faith.

I have issues with accepting compliments. All trauma/abuse related. I usually wonder why people are complimenting me? What do they want from me? In my past, many people manipulated me with compliments  and so as a result, I am very wary of compliments. They can be very triggering.

But, I recognise, some people do actually genuinely mean what they say.

Today, at my ladies group, one lady described me as ‘very beautiful’ and someone who does not need makeup.

Compliments about my appearance, can be the most difficult to accept. I’ve been called many things about my appearance, good and bad. And all too often, the ‘good’ compliments, were said by abusive, manipulative people, who wanted to exploit/use me in some way.

I tend to shrug off compliments about how I look. Over the last few years, I’ve learned to be less concerned about the motivations of people giving me compliments. But, I don’t accept them either. I thank people, but inside the compliments are just dismissed.

I prefer people complimenting my values, character etc. That doesn’t have the same bad association – as compliments about my appearance.

But, today, this compliment was said by someone, who I had already discerned as someone who does not say anything she does not mean. She’s a lady in her 50’s, very well educated lady, clearly intelligent, confident and I always note her depth of conversation. And she does not strike me as someone who says things, without meaning it. There is no reason for her to try to manipulate me.

We also had a conversation between the two of us, about being Christians.

Empaths. This describes me perfectly.

Being an empathic person, with vigilance and discernment skills, plus honesty and insight capacity, I realise… is not common.

But, this describes me perfectly.

I often know more about people, than they know about themselves.

I’ve been discerning people, their motivations, their red flags, their issues…….. since I can ever remember. And surviving my childhood, required deeper levels of these skills.

And have worked for me… to survive what was meant to destroy me.