Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

When people abuse the ‘don’t shame/judge me’.


The phrases ‘don’t shame me’ and ‘don’t judge me’ – like all things in life, are repeatedly abused by those who do not wish to consider their actions/behaviours as wrong, don’t wish to be accountable for the wrongs/harm they cause and don’t want to go to the effort and courage of changing.

An example is parents who routinely hit their children. And say it is their ‘right’ and will accuse you of ‘parent-shaming’ and ‘judgment’ if you have a viewpoint that hitting children is wrong/assault/domestic violence.

It is absolutely okay and necessary to have wise, sober judgment. And okay to stand up for children’s rights.

I have smacked my children a handful of times, in the past. But, I knew within me, this was wrong. So, I made the choice to learn everything I could about more appropriate ways to manage behaviour. I also in the process learned from reputable child development, child psychology and neuroscience experts…. how hitting children, is harmful.

I made the choice, to accept smacking/hitting children is wrong, and learn a better way to parent.

So, this is what other people could also choose.

It’s not about demanding you feel ‘parent shamed’ or ‘judged’ and being defensive and immature in response.

It’s about doing what’s best for our children, letting go of the ego that cannot cope with being wrong, and choosing to learn and grow.

I see the people demand they have been ‘shamed’ and judged’ about this issue, are simply abusing those phrases, due to their ego issues and failure to want to what’s right and accept we can be wrong and learn. It’s not about saying parents are ‘bad’ for hitting their children (although in too many cases, it is abuse). It’s about the maturity to consider what we can do better.

I’m not shaming anyone when I say I believe hitting children is wrong. It is a very educated, informed understanding. And it’s about empathy. Respect. And treating my children, with same dignity, I want for myself. I don’t want to be hit. So why would I think it’s okay to hit my children? There are other ways to parent and manage behaviour.

And I’m not ever asking anyone to consider anything different, than I needed to do.

I didn’t act childishly and demand people ‘don’t shame me’ and ‘don’t judge me’ when I read about hitting children being harmful and  wrong. I listened, thought about it, read up on it, researched it. I sought wise advice about it. That’s the mature approach.

My children are normal kids……  but proof you do not have to hurt your children, to raise them to be respectful, well behaved children, who do well in school and are well adjusted. And as a result of my empathic parenting style, they already demonstrate empathy for others.

I am an anti-shaming advocate and I see many ways people are shamed. I write about these frequently.

This is not one of them.

Accusing people like myself, of parent-shaming or judgment…… is just a big excuse, to fail to consider this issue, fail to have empathy and a way to defend the fragile ego that does not ever ‘want to be wrong’.

People all too often abuse the ‘right to free speech’, and people abuse the terms ‘shaming’ and ‘judgment’. This is one example I see.

It takes courage, insight and deep self honesty, to know you can be wrong and deal with it. But, sadly, this is not what many people choose.

I am also reminded of the Carl Jung quote…

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.

People will do anything, no matter how absurd,

in order to avoid facing their own Soul.

One does not become enlightened by

imagining figures of light,

but by making the darkness conscious.”

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “When people abuse the ‘don’t shame/judge me’.

  1. I can’t disagree with the statements made here. I never did hit my children and my children were and are amazing. My son is h.s. age n my daughter is pre-teen n they’ve never been hit or spanked or anything like that by me and if I witnessed that happens via someone else to my children their butts would be facing a judge. My children are very empathetic n I am too. I am a survivor of extreme abuse over spans of many years so I know what that does to children and adults alike.

    Sent from my Sprint Samsung Galaxy S® 6.

    • I think children who are raised by empathic parents, are the children most likely to learn those skills and become empathic themselves.
      I see so many parents who believe in spanking, and they have no empathy capacity themselves. Which means their children are less likely to develop empathy.
      I’m so sorry for all the abuse your endured.
      I am glad you are raising your children so well. I love to hear from parents who raise their children appropriately.