I’ve blogged about this before, and I am still uncomfortable with giving myself the label of ‘strong warrior survivor’.
Sometimes, I do not feel strong. Or a warrior. Sometimes, I feel anything but those labels.
I also feel like those labels are burdens that are too hard to carry. They imply I should be strong all the time. And if I’m not, I am weak.
There is a lot of victim shaming that goes on in society. And I feel this labelling, feeds into this. If we are not being ‘strong warrior survivors’ – we are seen as weak and acting like a victim.
It is a label, I struggle with, because I do not want people to feel shame for not being society’s expectation of ‘strong warrior survivor’.
I don’t want to feel the shame I feel myself, when I am not being a warrior. When instead I am struggling to get through the day, feeling suicidal and like I have no fight left in me. Should I feel ashamed of that. No, I shouldn’t. But, I do. And I know if I feel this way, many others will as well. And I feel so sad about this.
The reality is, no matter what state I am in, the very fact that I have survived all I have and I am here, and I pick myself back up after every low state, and keep going……… is being a strong warrior survivor. It takes considerable courage, resilience and inner strength.
But, being suicidal and struggling to function, is definitely not everyone’s description of a warrior and this burden we can carry of trying to maintain it, can feel far too heavy.
When I have burdens that are heavy, I am weighed down by them. When I give myself the freedom, to just be who I am, no matter what state I am in, I am able to cope better.
I also wonder whether this issue I have of these labels, are also about my ‘not being good enough’, due to all the abuse I endured from my mother. That ‘never good enough’ plays into how I think of myself, and if I’m not doing something perfectly, I’ve had to force myself to know it’s okay.
So, maybe this also is why I cannot describe myself as a strong warrior survivor’, but is something I should describe myself as. But, those critical voices from the past, are still affecting how I see myself now. .
I don’t know 100% why I struggle with these positive labels.
And my current counselling focus of ‘What I am/What I am not’….. is tackling these deeper issues and forcing me to confront them. When I would much rather avoid it completely.
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