Society has a very bad habit of saying some emotions are ‘bad’. Like anger. I see this poor and unwise opinion everywhere.
Even within the mental health profession, there are some lacking in all insight, who believe certain emotions are ‘negative’.
This link explains the ‘myth of negative emotions’.
I’ve heard it in a church, where being angry equalled to ‘being a child of the devil’. This said by a narcissist, lying, manipulative minister. Of course it’s easy for him to take that shallow, self serving, shame shifting road. When you have no courage, no capacity for honesty – that’s the easy road. That’s the road, many narcissistic people take.
I’ve been told by several abusive people, that being angry is bad, wrong, makes me a bad person. Of course, this was just more toxic abuse. And they spouted this BS, because they knew they were abusers and didn’t want anyone to have normal emotions about what they were doing. So they ‘shame’ their victims, into not expressing it. They shame shift, from themselves, the shame they should be feeling, onto their victims. It makes them feel better – to shame and blame their victim and shame shift. It means they don’t have to deal with the truth of who they really are.
Anger is a needed emotion, and a healthy emotion, about vile abuse people can choose to inflict on others. Anger can be constructive, or destructive. The former, being healthy and needed, with regard to abuse and suffering.
Anger is healthy, it is how we express it that matters. Projecting anger onto people, is not okay. Having uncontrollable rages, is dangerous to self and others. It’s not okay to feel ‘entitled’ to vent anger in a way that is harmful to others. But, being angry, about toxic people and vile abuse, is absolutely needed.
Due to all the shaming I have endured about anger, I have always suppressed it.
Until I could no longer suppress it. Then I had to deal with it. I hated feeling anger. I still had those toxic voices telling me it made me ‘bad’, to feel anger.
But, I came to the point, where I knew it wasn’t ‘bad’ to feel anger. It was absolutely normal. And in fact, I am the normal healthy person for feeling anger. Those who say anger is wrong, are the disordered, unhealthy people.
Anger is also a needed part of grieving. I have a massive amount of abuse, trauma, betrayal and pain, to grieve. Grieving isn’t a quick process. Like with any part of healing, it takes time and their is no set time span. It can take years. No-one can state, that is not okay. It takes as long as it takes.
What I realised and discussed in counselling today, is although I have been telling myself for several years, it’s okay to feel anger, it wasn’t until I truly believed that in the depths of my soul, that I really allowed myself to feel it. With no shame. No guilt. No voice telling me, ‘this makes you bad’.
In allowing myself, this normal emotion, I felt it for several months, but already, it is dissipating. To the point where I could speak about my mother, and not feel that anger bubble up.
I had to allow myself to truly feel needed anger, to process it. To grieve it.
I am not assuming I will never feel anger again about the past. No doubt I will. The grieving process, like healing, is not a linear process. It can loop around, and anger, hurt can bubble up. And that’s okay.
But, I am glad to be at a point right now, where I don’t feel anger.
I only want to feel anger, for as long as is necessary to grieve and heal.
I don’t intend feeling anger indefinitely. I have enough self respect, self compassion and motivation to heal, to not want to feel the painful emotions, forever.
I don’t deserve that.
I’ve suffered enough.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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I am always so glad when people find my blogs useful. When they resonate in some way.
This comment was stated on Twitter, when this blog post was shared onto Twitter…
“Absolutely fascinating as ever from
@HealingCPTSD I am going through a lot of reflection & this is so useful #CPTSD”
@HealingCPTSD as always you hit the nail on head with unpicking messy tangle of emotions which we often suppress but may be part of healing”