I’ve been in counselling for 4 years. My doctor/counsellor, takes time off for training courses she conducts around the world, and for annual leave, for 3-6 weeks at a time.
As much as I am totally okay and supportive of all her work and need to take time off, I am also always very uneasy whenever she is away.
Just knowing that I don’t have that weekly time, to talk about whatever is needed and have her encouragement and support, is not a place I like being in.
My doctor/counsellor, is the only safe relationship I have ever had. And that is a big deal for me. It’s a big deal for any childhood complex trauma survivor to feel….. safe. Or as safe as is possible. As safe as I am capable of feeling.
I feel a bit lost, when she’s away. Clearly, I am still not at a point where counselling is not needed. And I don’t like feeling reliant on anyone. But, I am and as much as I don’t feel comfortable – still – with feeling I need to rely on anyone, I know I do. I don’t want to feel needy. But, I am. It makes me feel like a child, who needs that safety I never had, that is a need we continue to carry throughout our adult lives. I do rely on her counselling and support. I do rely on that place of safety I never had before.
Even typing this, is making my anxiety rise. I know it will be okay. I know I will survive. I know what to do if anything happens while she is away. I know this has happened many times and I’ve been fine. Every time.
But, I am honest with myself and I know I will not feel okay, until she comes back. This uneasy, a little but lost – feeling, will remain. Until my next appointment, at the beginning of next month.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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