Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My doctor/counsellor, is the only safe relationship, I’ve ever had.


I’ve been in counselling for 4 years. My doctor/counsellor, takes time off for training courses she conducts around the world, and for annual leave, for 3-6 weeks at a time.

As much as I am totally okay and supportive of all her work and need to take time off, I am also always very uneasy whenever she is away.


Just knowing that I don’t have that weekly time, to talk about whatever is needed and have her encouragement and support, is not a place I like being in.

My doctor/counsellor, is the only safe relationship I have ever had. And that is a big deal for me. It’s a big deal for any childhood complex trauma survivor to feel….. safe. Or as safe as is possible. As safe as I am capable of feeling.

I feel a bit lost, when she’s away. Clearly, I am still not at a point where counselling is not needed. And I don’t like feeling reliant on anyone. But, I am and as much as I don’t feel comfortable – still – with feeling I need to rely on anyone, I know I do. I don’t want to feel needy. But, I am. It makes me feel like a child, who needs that safety I never had, that is  a need we continue to carry throughout our adult lives. I do rely on her counselling and support. I do rely on that place of safety I never had before.

Even typing this, is making my anxiety rise. I know it will be okay. I know I will survive. I know what to do if anything happens while she is away. I know this has happened many times and I’ve been fine. Every time.

But, I am honest with myself and I know I will not feel okay, until she comes back. This uneasy, a little but lost – feeling, will remain. Until my next appointment, at the beginning of next month.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “My doctor/counsellor, is the only safe relationship, I’ve ever had.

  1. I miss my counselor every day.
    That’s why I started my blog so I could still talk about everything that is on my mind since I have no more counselling sessions left. It helps the same 🙂

    • I can empathise with how that must feel. It creates fear within me, to think of my counselling ending. She has re-assured me, she will be working for another 15 years. So, hoping I will have counselling, for as long as I need it.

      I hope you are okay not having counselling? You can say you are not, if you are not. I prefer people being honest. I can understand it would be hard, to have counselling end.

      Lilly ❤

  2. Dear Lilly, I feel with you. I learned a kind of safety in therapy that I have never known before. It took a long time. He also has lots of vacations and teachings and even two months breaks. This made therapy additionally hard for me. I somehow believe, if therapy would have taken place regularly, without such longtime interruptions, I would have healed faster. I don’t know if that’s true, but it made my life difficult and I always fell back in unhealthy coping and was feeling really bad.
    This still is an unsolved overwhelming feeling and problem inside me. It is better now, but I don’t know, why I had to suffer a lot more with that way of therapy than I already had to suffer my whole life. I hate myself for being needy, especially for someone that can just turn his back on me. It now is still a problem when he is on vacation or teaching. I don’t know, how to handle this.
    I wish you a lot of strenghth while your councellor is not here! Stay strong and feel the love of all of us reading you:-) ❤

    • It is hard if your therapy is regularly interrupted by the therapist taking time off. I am blessed this only happens to me probably twice a year. But, I can see if it was far more frequent than that, it would be very disruptive to therapy.

      Consistency is a need that we should not feel guilty, or shame about needing. It is a very reasonable need.

      I can understand why this is an ongoing issue for you. I cam empathize how this must affect you.

      Lilly ❤ ❤