Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Discerning the controlling, self serving, dishonest people.

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I’ve been running a ladies group for the last few months. It’s going really well and I’m getting to know the ladies. There is a healthy mix of introverted and extroverted people. Some are more vocal than others, and some are quite opinionated. Some are chatty, some are more reserved. And that’s all good.

I’m pretty skilled at working people out, and vigilant, especially when someone is starting to show red flags, of unhealthy traits.

One woman, is very opinionated. Likes to tell everyone what they should and should not be thinking/doing. And if challenged, even in a fun, jokey way, she does not like this.

I am what some people would call opinionated. I have strong opinions about serious matters. But, when it comes to other people’s lives, their relationships, their dating lives etc …. I do not want, or feel it is my place to ‘tell’ them what to do. I may not want what they are doing for my own life, but I don’t voice this, or try to tell them what they are doing is wrong.

But, this woman does. And she is already unappreciative of me giving a different viewpoint about a particular matter. She does not take it well, if her opinion is not immediately agreed with. She also likes to dominate conversations, and be the centre of attention – with opinions. She wants people to agree with her. Only. I certainly see she is someone who wants to be the circus ringmaster. I don’t intend being one of her clowns/monkeys.

She also gave advice today, about lying to someone, when there was no need to lie. This was a red flag. If she gives advice to people to lie, then she is someone who lies. And believes this is okay. And has no conscience about deceiving people, in the process. When I suggested an alternative that did not require lying, she was not happy. ‘Her’ advice, in her mind, is the ‘only’ advice.

“If someone gives advice to others,

that includes lying to people,

you can assume they probably lie to you too”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I’ve been watching and discerning this for a few weeks now, and seeing how she reacts to people. I’ve already discerned she is overly opinionated, has an unhealthy ego, gives dodgy  advice, has no awareness of being sensitive about certain subjects, like divorce/ relationships. Several times I have cringed, because she is being insensitive to someone else’s needs. I can see she has little self insight.

She also does not like it, if I arrange a get together, that is not around ‘her’ schedule. And she pushes her ‘business’ she is setting up on people. Which I don’t like at all. People are not coming to a friendly get together, to feel obliged to have to buy products, to build up her business.

I was given advice by my doctor/counsellor, that these kinds of self serving (narcissistic) people, will always be attracted to and present within these groups. And to be vigilant in spotting them. They look for groups, they can dominate and flex their ego’s. They look for those they can ‘use’ for their own needs. It’s all about them. I’ve seen it before.

So, I will continue to give a different viewpoint when I feel it’s necessary, change the subject when I can see she is being insensitive and I will keep  arranging get togethers, taking into account everyone’s needs, not hers alone.

I have a feeling, she will start coming less, and may not continue to come along, as things progress and she is not ‘using’ the group the way she wants to. And that’s okay, because the group is about everyone, not her.

The good part is, many of the other ladies, are very happy with the way the group is being run and I know they appreciate me giving my input and some of them can see I am managing the group – with everyone’s needs in mind. I have also had a few thank me for my sensitivity and friendliness – making it a group people can feel relaxed and like they belong.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

One thought on “Discerning the controlling, self serving, dishonest people.

  1. Unfortunate that the one lady is being… less than awesome.
    The group sounds awesome though, and it sounds like your really rockin’ it out. Beautiful sunshine, truly beautiful. It’s always nice to hear about people helping others.
    Have a lovely day, and take gentle care of yourself ^.^

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