Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The terminal aloneness, is easily triggered.



It doesn’t take much, to trigger some of the more pervasive and chronic issues of Complex PTSD.

I’ve felt terminally alone, all my life. I still battle it.

My doctor/counsellor is away for a month. Ongoing personal issues flare up. I have no-one I trust, to talk to.

So the aloneness, the hopelessness, the despair sets in.

You can be doing okay for a little while, and then a few things occur, and you feel right back to the depths of despair you felt when in the midst of the worst trauma.

I wish I could fast-forward the rest of my life. I wish I could get off this never ending cycle of pain.

I can feel the zoning out, the dissociation setting in. As always occurs, when I am overwhelmed and the worst emotional flashbacks occur.

I hate this life. I just want to be where I am going to be, when this hell on earth, is done.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “The terminal aloneness, is easily triggered.

  1. Could not have said it better myself, I can relate in so many ways. But in the midst of it all knowing I’m not alone in this makes it somehow less alone.
    Thank you for a life saving blog, it helps me so much to see things in a different perspective.

  2. totally relate! One day I”m fine, the next practically suicidal. Hate it.

  3. I can relate. For me, even if it is only a vacation, I feel abandoned again and am right back there. For me, there is only so much pushing I can do. You are not alone. At least there is this community to reach out too.

  4. I commend you on having the courage and strength to put the site together. There is soo much valuable info on it that I can share so “Thank You”:).

    I’ve been suffering from this CPTSD for 5 years now and have gone back to UK from US to get help. Having been gone from UK for 25 years the mental health care and medical care is atrocious to put it mildly. I desperately need help.. my doctor of 9 years recommended going into a residential trauma program in 2012 as outpatient therapy hadn’t worked and he said I would get worse without treatment. But due to being in the midst of the trauma with my husband, who had become Narcissistic and abusive, I was unable to go as we were in the divorce process .

    I figured I’d get help in UK.. Instead I was so re-victimized and left without care for my CPTSD and co-morbid disorders as well as a serious Neurological illness that they ignored. Without any care i knew I’d eventually die as my body was shutting down.

    So I came back to USA as I know there are trauma treatment facilities here.

    Now I find out that as I’m on Disability and the health insurance they provide doesn’t even have Residential Trauma Treatment Facilities listed; and it appears they are not going to pay for any treatment at all. I’m horrified as I’ve gone through so many traumas since 2010 and have cried out for help that I know is out there, but without a ridiculous amount of money then I cannot pay privately. It seems like there’s some belief that only wealthy people need trauma treatment that deals with mind, body and soul.

    I have lost every single friend I had for 12 years as this CPTSD has changed me and they don’t understand the pain I go through daily, not to mention all the other symptoms.

    I so understand when you say you are going backwards with your counselor being gone. It’s a living hell is this illnesses and I want the pain to stop as it’s taken over my life and I don’t have any support system or help.

    I’ve been re-victimized again by uneducated medical professionals here and I’m tired of trying so hard to get help and getting ignored, ridiculed or worse.

    Now I have been assigned a Social Worker who I have only met once. She said there are programs for funding .. when I told her yesterday the costs of treatment a month I think she almost fainted! That tells me that no way will my health insurance pay for this.

    I have my 3 dogs who are my children so I have to keep going. My Mum and Dad are in UK and this trauma, along with watching their only Daughter go through this hell on earth, has had devastating consequences on their health, and wellbeing and even our relationship is also strained. it’s difficult for loved ones as they take the symptoms of CPTSD personally and no amount of links they read fully sink in just how sick this makes a person.

    I had found a nice Counselor last year and even though he knew I needed to go into a residential trauma program, he was very understanding and keeping me going on my weekly visits; I was finally starting to trust someone who “gets it”. Then a couple months ago he called b4 I was due for my session to tell me he was leaving and taking another job and would not be treating patients as a Counselor. I was devastated… just when I could talk without being misunderstood, he leaves.

    So my last hope is to put together a letter and supporting materials and send it to Dr Phil who is a well known therapist with a TV show. He has access to the best facilities and his wife Robin is an advocate to stop domestic violence. I pray he will be able to help as I’ve done everything I can, yet not one medical professional has done anything.

    If I don’t get help I know my body will shut down as I have to avoid any over-exertion of any kind or my Neurological Illness gets worse and it has got soo much worse in 5 years of having this CPTSD that I’m barely a functioning human being.

    I will keep reading your blog and site and give it to anyone I’m dealing with in the hope that after reading what you have covered about CPTSD, somone out there will step up and help me get the proper care I desperately need.

    Thank you for a great site and blog:)