The toxic shame of being the ‘bastard’ product of an affair.

The abuse I endured, started even before I was born. I am the product of an affair my mother had with my married birth father. He wants nothing to do with me. Apparently. That does not surprise me, when I consider my mother’s taste in vile men.

My first school I attended, was a Catholic primary school. Being the illegitimate child, with a mother ‘living in sin’ with my step father, led to abuse. I had children circling me in the playground, calling me a bastard. I was 4 years old.

This is one of my earliest memories.

I endured spiritual abuse, at 4 years old. The only way those children knew to call me a bastard, was because adults told them. So, the spiritual abuse was from the ‘Christian’ parents. Such disgusting abuse, to any child.

I’ve carried the shame,  of being a ‘bastard’ all my life. The rejection from my birth father. The abuse that continued on by my mother. My sister used to torment me as a child, telling me I was not ‘her’ father’s child. And he loved her and not me. She delighted in saying that. In the same way she delighted in intentionally getting me into trouble, as she admitted a few years ago. Her sociopathic traits, were expressed young. All I can say to that, is I am glad he didn’t love me. Thank God!

My only comfort from all this, is knowing Jesus loves me, no matter how I was conceived.

But, I still carry the shame, deep down.

I wasn’t wanted, from before even being born. And I knew that very early on in my life. It was made very clear.

I was a burden to my mother.

I believe she only got pregnant to try and trap my birth father. I believe she

“You are a terribly real thing…..”

I just had this sent to me, due to someone being blown away by this blog and my honesty and empathy. I am so very thankful and sitting here in tears.

Self Pity, Self Sorrow Are Normal, Needed & Healthy

I felt compelled to create this poster, with the wise words complex trauma survivors, need to hear, from Pete Walker.

This is especially needed, due to the abusive, unhealthy opinions spouted by Stephen Fry recently.

Stephen Fry reveals who he truly is. Abusive hypocrite

I am beyond annoyed at this abusive, bullying, narcissistic BS that has come out of Stephen Fry’s mouth. What a hypocrite. I am also not surprised.

His attitude, is the ultimate in ‘shame-shifting’. His thoughts are that of a highly disordered, abusive, toxic man.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/celebrities-gone-bad/stephen-fry-says-child-sex-abuse-survivors-should-grow-up/news-story/95375f1ae56eb3e8dc6cbebbbde7152e

I knew prior to this interview, he is an unhealthy man, who minimizes child sexual abuse and I have wondered why. If he chooses to minimize child sexual abuse and trivialise it, that is bad enough. Now, I wonder why else he has such disgusting opinions?

I hope MIND do the right thing and get rid of him – because he should absolutely not be an advocate for mental health or abuse survivors.

I wonder what he would have thought about someone telling him to ‘grow up’, ‘self pity is disgusting’ and stop being ‘infantile’ – when he was actively trying to end his life? Or when he was being bullied for being gay?

Such a lack of empathy.

Yay! Pete Walker has given me permission to quote him in my book!

I’ve been a huge promoter of Pete Walker’s work. He is a very important part of my healing journey. He is aware of my website, my work and he encourages this and gave me his permission to use his work, which is so very kind of him.

I emailed him, to check if it is okay with him, for my to quote his work in my book, and he agreed and gave encouragement for my book too!

And he thanked me for promoting his work. For me, is an honour to promote his work.

So so so so thankful to him!!

🙂