Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The toxic shame of being the ‘bastard’ product of an affair.

4 Comments

The abuse I endured, started even before I was born. I am the product of an affair my mother had with my married birth father. He wants nothing to do with me. Apparently. That does not surprise me, when I consider my mother’s taste in vile men.

My first school I attended, was a Catholic primary school. Being the illegitimate child, with a mother ‘living in sin’ with my step father, led to abuse. I had children circling me in the playground, calling me a bastard. I was 4 years old.

This is one of my earliest memories.

I endured spiritual abuse, at 4 years old. The only way those children knew to call me a bastard, was because adults told them. So, the spiritual abuse was from the ‘Christian’ parents. Such disgusting abuse, to any child.

toxic shame child

I’ve carried the shame,  of being a ‘bastard’ all my life. The rejection from my birth father. The abuse that continued on by my mother. My sister used to torment me as a child, telling me I was not ‘her’ father’s child. And he loved her and not me. She delighted in saying that. In the same way she delighted in intentionally getting me into trouble, as she admitted a few years ago. Her sociopathic traits, were expressed young. All I can say to that, is I am glad he didn’t love me. Thank God!

My only comfort from all this, is knowing Jesus loves me, no matter how I was conceived.

But, I still carry the shame, deep down.

I wasn’t wanted, from before even being born. And I knew that very early on in my life. It was made very clear.

I was a burden to my mother.

I believe she only got pregnant to try and trap my birth father. I believe she thought he would leave his wife, if she was pregnant. Her plan did not work. I was nothing more than part of a plan to trap a man, who was married.

My mother resented me. I felt that loud and clear.

I know that’s why she wanted me abused. It’s why she let it happen. It’s why she was complicit in the sexual abuse I endured as a child. That bitterness, resentment and cruel streak, clearly evident (sadly also later on expressed by my sisters), burned inside her.

I wasn’t born of love.

I was born into bitterness, deceit, failed manipulation, rejection and shame.

it is a part of my journey, I am still grappling with.

trauma mbs

It is why I have issues with believing anything good about myself, deep down. I was never loved. Never shown love. Never worthy of love.

I am doing all I can, to change all those messages, that have embedded into the very depth of my soul.

It will take more time, and that’s okay.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.

All rights reserved. No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the name of the author – Lilly Hope Lucario and a clear link back to this blog –  https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/

This includes adaptations in all forms of media.

 

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle.

4 thoughts on “The toxic shame of being the ‘bastard’ product of an affair.

  1. I am so sorry you had to endure this:( what an awful memory, but I do know how it feels as I had a smiliar start into this world.

    As always thanks so much for sharing. Everytime I read one of your posts it automatically does something to help repair the relationship with myself that was destroyed from early abuse and neglect and I am so grateful for all your work:)

    On Tue, Apr 12, 2016 at 6:30 AM, Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD wrote:

    > Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD posted: “The abuse I endured, > started even before I was born. I am the product of an affair my mother had > with my married birth father. He wants nothing to do with me. Apparently. > That does not surprise me, when I consider my mother’s taste in vile men. > My first ” >

  2. Through the work of this blog I can see you have a great capacity to love. That alone tells me you truly deserve love.

  3. Deat Lilly and Friends, Ugh! What sort of parents would even use that word around small children? Just goes to show, there are people who aren’t fit to raise possums, let alone boys and girls. The only rude word a four year-old has any business
    knowing is “poop.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s