The abuse I endured, started even before I was born. I am the product of an affair my mother had with my married birth father. He wants nothing to do with me. Apparently. That does not surprise me, when I consider my mother’s taste in vile men.
My first school I attended, was a Catholic primary school. Being the illegitimate child, with a mother ‘living in sin’ with my step father, led to abuse. I had children circling me in the playground, calling me a bastard. I was 4 years old.
This is one of my earliest memories.
I endured spiritual abuse, at 4 years old. The only way those children knew to call me a bastard, was because adults told them. So, the spiritual abuse was from the ‘Christian’ parents. Such disgusting abuse, to any child.
I’ve carried the shame, of being a ‘bastard’ all my life. The rejection from my birth father. The abuse that continued on by my mother. My sister used to torment me as a child, telling me I was not ‘her’ father’s child. And he loved her and not me. She delighted in saying that. In the same way she delighted in intentionally getting me into trouble, as she admitted a few years ago. Her sociopathic traits, were expressed young. All I can say to that, is I am glad he didn’t love me. Thank God!
My only comfort from all this, is knowing Jesus loves me, no matter how I was conceived.
But, I still carry the shame, deep down.
I wasn’t wanted, from before even being born. And I knew that very early on in my life. It was made very clear.
I was a burden to my mother.
I believe she only got pregnant to try and trap my birth father. I believe she thought he would leave his wife, if she was pregnant. Her plan did not work. I was nothing more than part of a plan to trap a man, who was married.
My mother resented me. I felt that loud and clear.
I know that’s why she wanted me abused. It’s why she let it happen. It’s why she was complicit in the sexual abuse I endured as a child. That bitterness, resentment and cruel streak, clearly evident (sadly also later on expressed by my sisters), burned inside her.
I wasn’t born of love.
I was born into bitterness, deceit, failed manipulation, rejection and shame.
it is a part of my journey, I am still grappling with.
It is why I have issues with believing anything good about myself, deep down. I was never loved. Never shown love. Never worthy of love.
I am doing all I can, to change all those messages, that have embedded into the very depth of my soul.
It will take more time, and that’s okay.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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