It’s hard being someone who is a Christian, but not a ‘regular/average’ Christian. I don’t think the way many of them think. I don’t follow like a sheep and believe everything I hear.
I also don’t fit into secular society. I don’t believe many things, your average secular person believes.
I am sat in tears writing this. I know the ‘not belonging’ issue, is a complex trauma issue. But, most people want to belong. It’s a normal, natural human need.
I don’t belong, or fit in. My views I have to keep to myself, to fit in. Because people reject what they don’t want to hear. And my faith is important to me. I don’t force it on anyone. But, I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t exist either. And I have no-one to talk to. I can’t even talk to ‘Christian’ people. There I get rejected the most.
Just because I don’t drink the church Kool Aid, does not make me wrong. But, if you don’t unquestioningly follow along, blindly….. you’re deemed a ‘trouble maker’.
And churches notoriously reject the non stage 3 sheep. (Stages of faith). ‘Thinking’ is not promoted. It’s suppressed. You run the risk of not being welcomed, if you dare to suggest they may be wrong, their Biblical interpretation is wrong.
Cognitive dissonance, will be avoided at all costs, by many church people. In exactly the same way it is, by most people throughout.
There are some things I avoid talking about in counselling, because that’s Christian counselling. I have tentatively approached the conversations, and it was not a good experience. So, I know to avoid it.
I feel like I have to suppress a part of who I am. To fit in. To not be rejected. To not be scorned at. To not be told if my views don’t match – then I must be wrong. When I don’t think I am wrong.
I feel sad for myself, that I have never belonged anywhere.
And I still don’t.