Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My second book, will be about church/church abuse.

I am hoping my first book, will be done and published this year. I’m working on it and about to commence working with an amazing author. He’s a Christian. And a real one. he has very similar beliefs as myself in areas we have both touched on, regarding church abuse.

I told my counsellor I want to write a book, about everything I have seen, witnessed, endured, and all I have read about other church abuse survivors endure.

My counsellor, said quite confidently, that she believes I will write this second book. She encourages me writing it.

I have a lot of content to put into this second book. I will write a little about it, in my first book, but leave most content about church abuse, for this second book.

It’s on my heart to write it. It won’t make me popular. But then, Jesus wasn’t popular. And Jesus I am not. But, I do have the courage to write about what I know is needed, regardless of how it will be received. If I know it’s needed…. I’ll do it. A blind sheep, I am not.

I have 12 chapters, already outlined, and I will be welcoming ideas, to add and Continue reading

So many church abuse survivors. It hurts my heart.

Through my work and online conversations, I have had the honour of speaking to many Christians. Sadly, though, many cannot attend church, due to the abusive and inappropriate attitudes, of too many church people. I understand this completely.

I went to church today. I haven’t been for several weeks. I’ve been avoiding hearing anything said about Cardinal Pell, the Royal Commission etc.

Sadly, despite avoiding that….. it was still to be a time, where I would hear gullible, non discerning people, not recognising red flags. The Pope offering his ‘gesture’ of taking two refugee families, was raised and labelled ‘so compassionate’. *sigh.

The Pope didn’t show any compassion to the paedophile priest survivors, and families of those who committed suicide, when he refused to grant them an audience – when they had all travelled to Rome, for the RC involving Cardinal Pell, and his clear enabling of paedophile priests.

It’s clear to me, the Pope, is a PR man. He has no compassion in his heart, because if he did, he would have that in abundance for those abused in the most heinous was – by in-house child sexual abuse, who were then further treated appallingly for decades. He showed he does not care at all. Even the man he appointed for the group meant to deal with this paedophilia in the Catholic Church, has since said, the Pope has no genuine intent to sort that issue out. He is a fake.

So, to sit and listen to the BS, that the Pope’s PR gesture, described as compassion, was so disappointing, triggering, emotive and made me just never want to return to a church again.

Church people, can be the most disordered, unwise, stupid, bizarre people of all. They don’t learn by all the many mistakes already made. They just keep repeating them. Continue reading


Feeling needy = triggers, anxiety & fear.

I do not feel comfortable feeling needy, or reliant on any person. I’ve been independent since the age of 20, right through to age 40. Since, my ‘breakdown/breakthrough’ – I’ve ‘had’ to rely on others. It’s not a place I want to be in.

I’m still not okay with dependence on anyone. And I’m not okay with feeling needy. I know I am and know this is why I struggle with my counselling relationship. I hate feeling needy. I hate having this ongoing fear, that for some reason – the counselling will end. Every time I hear of another survivor going through the grieving of counselling ending, it triggers absolute fear and anxiety.

I dream about these issues. That’s how deeply embedded into my subconscious, these issues are.

I know I have issues with attachment. I know that when you did not form healthy attachments with caregivers in childhood, and you are instead abused by caregivers, the attachments become different, to those who have healthy caregivers.

I have enough self compassion and self insight, to know what is occurring and why. How would a childhood complex trauma survivor know how to form healthy attachments, when never modelled that? These issues don’t just end, when we reach adulthood. they continue on. Affecting every area of our lives.

I know Complex PTSD, is seen by many in the trauma field, as an attachment disorder. I see why and it makes sense. I know Pete Walker, refers to this in his insightful work and book. Continue reading


I think it’s time to change counsellors.

I think I have an unhealthy attachment to my counsellor. I think that is not changing and in fact, increases over time. When she’s away, I miss her. Too much. I think about her too frequently. I care too much about what she thinks of me.

I find it hard to talk to her about some things. Some things I can’t talk about at all.

I think it’s time to face, I need to sever that connection and move on from that. I already have a complicated enough life.

I know it will involve grieving and it will hurt, for some time.But, I’ll get over it. I always do.