I do not feel comfortable feeling needy, or reliant on any person. I’ve been independent since the age of 20, right through to age 40. Since, my ‘breakdown/breakthrough’ – I’ve ‘had’ to rely on others. It’s not a place I want to be in.
I’m still not okay with dependence on anyone. And I’m not okay with feeling needy. I know I am and know this is why I struggle with my counselling relationship. I hate feeling needy. I hate having this ongoing fear, that for some reason – the counselling will end. Every time I hear of another survivor going through the grieving of counselling ending, it triggers absolute fear and anxiety.
I dream about these issues. That’s how deeply embedded into my subconscious, these issues are.
I know I have issues with attachment. I know that when you did not form healthy attachments with caregivers in childhood, and you are instead abused by caregivers, the attachments become different, to those who have healthy caregivers.
I have enough self compassion and self insight, to know what is occurring and why. How would a childhood complex trauma survivor know how to form healthy attachments, when never modelled that? These issues don’t just end, when we reach adulthood. they continue on. Affecting every area of our lives.
I know Complex PTSD, is seen by many in the trauma field, as an attachment disorder. I see why and it makes sense. I know Pete Walker, refers to this in his insightful work and book.
I saw this article, by a mental health professional I follow via twitter.
It is always validating, to know these issues, are absolutely normal after child abuse.
~Lilly Hope Lucario.
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