Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Survivors, are not responsible for abusers needs.

“You don’t heal and thrive,

within toxic relationships”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

There are some very non insightful people, suggesting that survivors of abuse should in some way, be responsible for the needs of the abuser.

This sadly, is sometimes perpetuated within the mental health profession itself. As I heard, yet again today.

This is wrong.

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If you know anyone, who is implying an abusers needs, are somehow the victims responsibility, please ask them to stop.

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It will be a case of ‘three stikes and you’re out’.

As I have blogged many times, I don’t trust church people to deal with sex offenders, paedophiles appropriately. The church as a whole, has very dire history, of dealing with predators, inappropriately. And it still continues.

My view, is sex offenders, rapists, child sexual abuse perpetrators, paedophiles, should not be allowed into churches. Or any place where there are children, who can be targeted by predators, who often have little impulse control and are often opportunistic.

My view, is one not agreed with by many church people. Ridiculous attitudes like ‘we are all sinners’, ‘we are all broken people’, ‘we need to show them grace and mercy’, ‘he says he’s remorseful and won’t do it again’, ‘he’s forgiven by God’ etc…. are ways in which predators know they will be welcomed, protected, and as a result enabled, to act out their sick, dark needs. And they use this to their full advantage.

Why wouldn’t predators use churches for their full advantage, when they know it a is place where they are very likely to be able to have easy access, to children and if caught, not dealt with appropriately, and instead enabled?

Church, is not meant to be a

safe haven for predators,

to be protected and enabled.

And any church person who believes it should be, shows toxic, unhealthy and dangerous beliefs and potentially, is an abuser themselves.

Church people all to often, don’t learn by previous mistakes. Sure, they half heartedly say they have adopted ‘child protection protocols’, but I’ve seen attitudes to this and often it is because they ‘have to’, not because they ‘want to’.

I’ve seen attitudes, where they do not believe ‘child safety checks’ should ‘have’ to be conducted for all involved in child ministries. I’ve seen attitudes, where they say they will not contact the police (despite the law stating they must), if a child says they have been abused in some way. They want to continue dealing with it in-house, no police, kept hush hush, kept a secret and basically the abuser protected, enabled and free to continue abusing children.

I do not believe for a second, this is what Jesus wants. Children sexually abused, and paedophiles protected? And shame and blame the victims? That is not the attitude of the Jesus, I know.

I also know that anyone,

who knowingly takes their children,

to places where predators are welcomed,

then they are failing as parents,


These unwise and dangerous attitudes regarding abuse and abusers, are why Continue reading

Praise God – for more real Christians, writing about child abuse, victim blaming/shaming & shame shifting.

I am always so relieved and thankful when I see Christians, writing the truth…. about the continual victim blaming, victim shaming and shame shifting, that goes on in way too many churches.

Praise God, for the truth coming into the light!

I could have written this part myself. Exactly the same understanding, I have.

“The adult claims the child wanted it—or the child deserved it—or the child masterminded it—or the child needed it—or the child was sinful. Abusers constantly are trying to shift blame for abuse onto the victims they abused.

And society in general is more than willing to give abusers the benefit of the doubt. After all, we live in patriarchal times and men are the most common abusers. So we justify the abuse, or we excuse it, or we come up with reasons for why it was not the abuser’s fault, or we decide it was a mutual decision.

Then we repeat these stories and justifications and excuses and rationales over and over again, until even a self-contradictory biblical narrative is interpreted by churches and Christians in favor of the abuser for centuries.”

The Lot of the Abused: How We Shift the Blame Onto Victims





Tears, due to a dedication to me.

Shahida Arabi – an amazing best selling author, invited me to write articles for her new book about healing from narcissistic abuse. I felt shocked, honoured and blessed. Since I first connected with Shahida, we have become support and friends and we encourage each other, in this often challenging journey, of helping others.

Shahida, has kindly sent me the pre-release review copy of this book. I’ve only just started reading it, and have read her dedication to me.

I am feeling very emotional. I sometimes still think ‘is this really me’. My life feels surreal, often.

After decades of being abused, scorned, lied about, told I am worthless, not good enough for anything except being used and abused…… the last few years, have been surreal.

All the support from many mental health professionals, my own counsellor, many survivors of complex trauma and this belief and support in me, from Shahida, feels unreal sometimes.

But, it is real. This is the my life now. Gone are the days of being put down, being treated like a doormat, being used.

I still remember the Bible verse my first counsellor told me4 years ago….

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6

Now, I stay away from ‘dogs’ and I am continually seeking healthy, genuine, kind people.

I am still getting my head around it all.

But, I am SO deeply Continue reading