I wrote recently, about a woman in my ladies group, who was showing red flags. Very selfish, brings every conversation back to herself, ‘tells’ people what they should be doing, no sensitivity to other people’s needs, very defensive if people don’t agree with her, likes to be the centre of attention, expects each meet to be fitting ‘her’ schedule…. etc.
I’ve been monitoring this. I’ve been vigilant about what she is saying to other ladies, and I’ve offered a more appropriate response on several occasions.
It was brought to my attention, that other ladies are finding this woman uncomfortable to be around. And it was off-putting to be told by a stranger, what they should be doing.
After thinking about this for a few days, I decided I would need to approach this woman and let her know this feedback and issues and that I need to be concerned with the whole group. And I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable, or leave, due to this.
So, I did. I sent a polite message, outlining this feedback. She responded, with a passive aggressive – nice, but not nice – response. I can read passive aggressive, very easily.
I know to sit back and watch, to see what else happens. The same day, she then stated she couldn’t come to the next fortnightly meet, because she had other plans. When I know for a fact, that she always kept those days free, for my group.
So, this will mean she won’t be attending for at least 3 weeks. Which is okay by me. If that’s what she needs to do… then so be it. And I’m prepared for whatever else she may do – stalk all the group members, set up her own group… etc. I’ve seen this happen before. And I learn by my past experiences.
My loyalty is to the whole group, and what’s best for everyone, not one person.
My counsellor will be very encouraging of this. Because we talked about my aim in dealing with disordered/narcissistic people – to spot them far sooner, discern quicker, deal with them quickly and in a way, that other people don’t get hut. And this is exactly what I have been able to do.
My counsellor confirmed, there will always be disordered people, trying to find new people to use. And interestingly, this woman has also had issues, with every other group, she has participated in. As per her own words.
I don’t ignore patterns of disordered behaviours. I don’t ignore red flags.
I learn, I listen, I take wise advice, I do what is necessary, to improve my interactions, with unhealthy people.
I’m very happy with how I’ve handled this situation.
I’m not in control of whatever other people do…. I’m only in control of myself and how I react and respond to people. And putting in place – necessary boundaries.
My group is going really well, with lots of very positive feedback, especially about how welcoming, friendly and lovely we all are. And how well the group is run.
Which is exactly, how I want it to stay.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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