Whenever I realise I can’t trust people….. people I’m supposed to be able to trust, it always leads to that deep painful awareness, of aloneness, sadness, grieving.
I’m getting better at managing this aloneness. Sometimes, it’s still really painful. I allow myself these times of grieving emotions. And I am used to it. I’ve been alone all my life.
I would love for there to be just one person, I could trust. I do have Jesus, but it’s not the same as having someone in the flesh, that I can talk to and feel safe with. It’s a normal human need, to have other people to feel safe with. A human need, I have never had provided.
I’m aware, I also feel the emotions from the past, whenever I am faced with this terminal aloneness. It’s a double whammy of pain. The awareness of being alone now, combined with feeling the fear and sadness, experienced as a child and teenager.
People would tell me not to give up on finding someone. It’s easier to give up… than to keep trying and finding out, I can’t trust them. I don’t believe in giving people false hope. And I realise this needs to be to myself as well.
No-one could ever say I haven’t tried to trust people. I have. But now, I have completely given up.
It’s really painful grieving what you’ve never had. It’s worse now, knowing I do deserve good trustworthy in my life. I deserved to have that as a child, yet didn’t.
It was easier when I believed I didn’t deserve it. When I believed I was a bad person, like all the abusive people told me. It was easier, when I believed I deserved to be alone.
It’s much harder now.
So, I will have to focus on having a life, without some of these core needs. Accepting the reality, as opposed to fighting it.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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